My thoughts exactly...

And just like that, "Crash" is born....

2011-12-04T19:02:00.000-06:00

Thomas has developed a new nickname recently and he has lived up to it. After his shower incident, we started to call him "crash"... and oh boy, is he a crash..... the other night he wanted to stand on the barstool he eats dinner at & then today he tried to stand on a plastic bucket & fell down only to hit his head on the bed...

He is such an awkward child LOL

Through Him who gives me strength...

2011-11-30T07:55:00.000-06:00

Our Father who art heaven,
hallowed be your name.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as in heaven
Give us today our daily bread.
and forgive us our sins,
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom,
the power and the glory are yours.
Now and for ever.

Amen.

Such a beautiful sentiment and something I live by as much as possible. The Lord's prayer. Simple, yet truthful. and reminds me that I am His and he is there for me in the darkest of times as well as the good times.

Thank you Lord for creating me and loving me even when I am weak. and for never judging and teaching me humility and giving me the courage to face each day. I could never repay you for all you have done for me

Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T21:56:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it's already that time of the year again... the holidays are upon us and the stress has started to pile on. While my stresses this year are numerous, I want to sit down and reflect on the things I am most thankful for.

so here they are, My top ten things i am most Thankful for, in no particular order of importance.:

1. My son, Thomas Michael. He is the sunshine of my life & the best thing i have done. He drives me crazy on a daily basis, but reminds me to sit back & enjoy the simpler things in life. He teaches me so many amazing things & astounds me daily with his eagerness to learn & the speed at which he picks them up. I can't imagine my life without him & am so glad and thankful for my sweet little boy

2. My mother, Shawna. She gave me life and taught me so much about life and how to be a good person. I hope that one day to make her proud and to be as an amazing mother to my son as she has been to me.

3. My dads, Dean and Jeff. One gave me life, one helped to raise me when he didn't have to. both equally important to me, neither one of them more so than the other. My father, Dean showed me strength and provided the inspiration for my joining the armed forces. My dad, Jeff, showed us unconditional love in taking my sisters and I in and loving us when he didn't have to. I love both those men and am a better woman for the things they taught me.

4. My sisters, Audrey, Jerry, Bailey & Jamie. What can I say, i love you all & am grateful for the laughter and tears we have shared together. you have all shown me in your own ways, love and acceptance. a sister is a built in best-friend who will tell you when you are messing up with your life & stay up til all hours of the night, telling you that everything will be okay, when it feels like the world is against you

5. My boyfriend & best friend, Mike. Baby, you have supported me and loved me regardless of how overly-emotional i get or out of control I am. You are my rock & shoulder to cry on when i need it. Even though we have had our disagreements, i am so grateful that you chose me to share your life with.

6. My puppy dogs, Buddy and Lady. i love you both!

7. My job. let's face it, in this economy, i am so fortunate to have a job & i am freaking awesome at it

8. Being an American. and the men and women of the US Armed Forces who defend this amazing country

9. My entire family and all my friends,

And what i am most thankful for:

10. The grace of God. Without it, i would not have any of the other items on my list

--- Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving & a joyous holiday season

Kid vs. Shower Door

2011-11-08T14:55:00.000-06:00

Thomas decided to tackle the solid glass shower door last night. Thank God it was made of tempered glass so damage was minimal...

four stitches in his knee, five in his thigh, four in his chest, five on the back of his arm, four in his finger, two at the base of his head and four staples in the back of his head...

Thank God for Mike, who drove us to the ER last night and kept me calm, and for my mother who kept Thomas calm during the stitches themselves. and for my dad, for realizing i was on the verge of passing out and took me out into the waiting room...

I have never been more terrified in my life...

The Christmas Countdown....

2011-11-05T16:21:00.000-05:00

I know, I know... it's not even Thanksgiving yet, but I need to be prepared for Christmas now. Thanks to all of my back issues, my last couple checks haven't exactly been the most beautiful ones and money is tight. Thanks to Wal-Mart Layaway, however I may be able to set my son up with a fairly decent hail this year. Just a few thins, mind you, but they will be of decent quality....

now... the choice to make... what do i get him??

I don't need your approval

2011-11-04T09:36:00.000-05:00

There are things I wish I could change about my life and myself. I would make things easier on myself and my son if I could...

Thomas is ADHD. This diagnosis has been a difficult one for me. What mother wants to admit that her child is in need of help. I cried and prayed and berated myself for a long time. All of this issues he's had over the past few years, I chalked up to being a bad mother & beat myself up for my son being out of control...

Here's the rub though... it's not my fault. and it's not his either. i hated getting after him because he couldn't focus on anything. he's off in Thomas-land 98% of the time. i would yell & scream and threaten him with spankings, timeouts, taking away toys if he couldn't get his act together.

Then came the hitting and tantrums at school... This was my eye opener. My sweet child was getting increasingly more and more out of control. I tried therapy, was told he's fine. Tried dietary changes, nothing. he got worse & nearly got kicked out of daycare, so I moved him to the pre-school. The structure helped him, but he was still having problems participating with his classmates...

I made a decision. I spoke with his pediatrician & we went over all possibilities & tried multiple things to help... there was the instillation of a strict bedtime regiment (which helped some), took out all sugar and sodas from his food. all this to no avail.

He has been on medication for 2 months now...

There are people who disagree with my choice and question my parenting because I did what I knew was best for my son. I didn't just search out a doctor to give me meds because I didn't want to deal with my kid. I don't regret my choice.

Today, my son is back to being sweet and loving and is excelling in school. He has caught up to his classmates and is quickly passing them up. He still has issues and still struggles, but they are no longer to the extreme.

I continue to look out for what is best for my son and will defend to the death my decisions regarding him. But until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you have no right to judge me for being the best mother I can be

i really need to write more...

2011-04-17T20:55:00.000-05:00

wow... has it been a while since i've done this whole blogosphere thing-a-ma-bobber. so much has happened and so much is going on and getting ready to happen...

i will try to summarize what has happened since last i wrote...

we celebrated both Christmas and the New Year, said hello to old friends who have re-entered our lives and have celebrated both Thomas and my birthdays...

I can't believe my little man is four years old now! he is getting moved into the pre-school classroom at the daycare. I am amazed at how much he's grown. Somehow my baby has gone and growed up on me :( I love it and hate it all at the same time.

gonna be moving again into a permanent home come august time frame. this will be in a location that gets thomas into one of the best elementary schools in the area and in his own actual bedroom (not a converted dining room) :)

Not too much else going on with me. Working my tail fin off to get bills paid and keep a roof over our heads, but i love my job, so i don't mind in the least.

and the best thing... i am getting a niece around the end of may :) this makes me so happy. and thomas is extatic to be getting a cousin lol. he keeps asking me where she is lmao

That's really about it. time to get little man to bed so i can get some housecleaning done and maybe sneak in a hot bath before i pass out for the night.

i promise i will start writing more :)

busy bee

2010-12-07T11:26:00.000-06:00

only a few more days til xmas & i am trying my best to make sure it is a wonderful one for little man. got his gifts ready and hidden securely (i hope lol... he is a genius at locating items which should not be located). the ficus is indoors and lights are strung upon it. and there is a good trunk load of outdated household crud that we no longer use that i have split up between goodwill and my sister (for her new little one that will be here before we know it)...

Not too much else going on in my world. Thomas keeps growing and eating me out of house and home. he know measures in at 3'3" and 40 lbs... his fourth birthday is only three months away and i can't believe how fast time has gone by. he went and spent thanksgiving with his father for a week & when he came back i hardly recognized him lol. he is such a wonderful blessing in my life (even during the times he tries my patience).

So, yeah... that's it in a nutshell. headed to Austin in a couple weeks to see my family :) can't wait to spend time with everyone and hug my sisters again. i love them & wish i could see more of them.

adieu for now :)

so much to do, so little time

2010-05-16T15:13:00.000-05:00

Got approved for the apartment at last :D i'm so freaking happy!!! When i went in to give them the application for the one br with den (which was a third floor, no patio 726 sq ft place for 615) they told me about the one br with a dining room that can be turned into a second bedroom (first floor, get a pation and 575 month rent) special going on!!!

so now we'll be on the first floor instead of third, have a patio for the tree to live on & its about five sq ft bigger than the other. not to mention it's another 40/month savings there!!!

needless to say i am ever thankful God is looking out for us :)

so, here is the floor plan...

like i said, not huge, but it'll be ours. plan is to move the second weekend in july, while thomas is gone. working on getting all the vacation time approved so i have time to schedule movers, move all my boxes, and clean out the old place :)

i'm happy. 'nuff said

three weeks from today thomas and i will be celebrating GEICO family day at Six Flags :) whoo-hoo

Getting Ready to Move

2010-05-03T20:11:00.000-05:00

I know... it's been a while since last I posted. Things are going well for me. Planning on moving come July. Wasn't exactly what I had in mind for the summer, but I am glad to be getting my own place soon. I don't wanna jinx myself but i have found the perfect apartment. it's teeny (only 876 sq feet) but it'll be ours :) Thomas is already excited. By moving closer to work I should save on gas, daycare and other expenses, so it'll all even out in the end :)

Work is going grandly. I am good at my job & i enjoy it.

Thomas is getting ready for his trip to MS in july (which co-insides with move date). he will spend a week with his grandparents on the coast then head up north for three weeks with his father. while i hate to be away from the little booger for any length of time it will be much easier to move with him gone & i will save a month's worth of childcare as well...

not much else going on with me. just posted about a million things on craiglist, sorting through and weeding out any useless junk i don't need and getting ready for life's next challenge :)

GO LIFE!!!

Just Plain Rude... and some other choice words....

2010-02-25T08:47:00.000-06:00

who the hell would steal someone's bike out of their freaking driveway?!?! that is the very question i got to ask myself as i pulled into my driveway this morning after dropping thomas off at school and before getting ready for work...

seriously. IT WAS THERE AN HOUR AGO!!! i get home and it's gone... i've had that bike since i was stationed in Japan. it's gone all over the world with me & just like that it's gone.

i'm seriously trying not to cry over this. it's not really the bike itself that has me so upset, it's the audacity that someone would take advantage of the fact that i was not home and walked up my driveway & helped themselves to my property!!!!

i'm gonna pretend maybe some poor kid wanted a bike... or there was an emergency and someone needed it to go somewhere. those seem much better reasons than to think a grown person (or even teenager for that matter) would steal from another fellow human being....

this sucks! i'm gonna cry now.

raising a boy leads to interesting conversations....

2010-02-16T21:12:00.000-06:00

here are just a few snippets of some of the recent conversations i've had to have with my two (almost three) year old...

-- Thomas: "look mommy, my wee-wee"
Mommy: "thomas, we don't play with that"
Thomas: (grabbing himself) ME PLAY WIF IT!!!"

-- THomas: (grabbing at me) "dat mommy's boobies"
Mommy: "yes, but don't touch"
Thomas: "why not"

-- Thomas: (jumping at from behind the corner buck naked) "LOOK AT MY WEE-WEE!!!"
Mommy: ....... (laughing hysterically when he's not looking)

-- Thomas: (yanks) "ow" (yank) "ow" (yank) "owie mommy"
Mommy: "if you don't pull it, it won't hurt!"

i am slowly starting to understand that a man's fascination with themselves begins at an early age... everytime i turn around he has his hand down his pants...

oi-vey!!!!

taking time to relax... then back to the grind

2010-02-01T22:42:00.000-06:00

okay okay ... i know... i am absolutely horrid at keeping tabs on my life anymore. things are going grand! thomas started his new daycare today and is adjusting fairly well. only time will tell as he always plays the part of the angel when he goes somewhere new. still has his three year molars coming through, but since mommy convinced him that the orajel is a magic medicine that will make the "frog in his mouth" (his words) feel better, we are at least sleeping at night...

not much else going in. finally got my weekend day switched so now i work saturdays instead of sundays. hoping to start looking for a church soon and get thomas back into sunday school. it's heartbreaking when he asks me for church and i can only say "maybe next week" now that we get sundays together i plan on finding one that we can go to again. if anyone has suggestions for one in frisco, i am all ears...

that's really about it. working hard to keep bills paid and the growing boy in clothes... not to mention to 20 pounds of food he shovels in there each day! i am telling you this kid never stops eating!!! i'm screwed when he hits puberty. at least he is already developing a decent football arm, and just recently i discovered his wicked start to a wicked curveball... my boy is well on his way to jock-ville. *tear* i'm so proud.

ah well, it's off to the bed i think. gotta be up at 6 :)

guten nacht mein frieunds!

time for christmas :D

2009-12-18T15:23:00.000-06:00

ended up going home from work early today due to thomas having a fever of 101.1. not good :( got him pumped up with a motrin/tylenol cocktail and set him down for his nap. this gives time for me to grab my sisters gifts since mom told me this morning (as i was headed for work) that we do, indeed, get to see them this weekend. yay!!! total win. i love me some sissy time :D

once the small demon awakes we will head to my parent's for dinner & spend the night there. plan on leaving bright and early tomorrow morning with sick toddler and two smalll hyper-active dogs :D we'll spend the weekend in fredericksburg with family and i can't wait to see everyone again!!!

monday is d-day :( taking thomas to rob. know he's gonna have fun, but he's such a constant in my life. no clue what i am gonna do with myself for two weeks. good thing i got me someone to spend the time with. which is nice since i have seen very little of this person lately due to our hectic work schedules.

and on the divorce front...

gonna re-file the papers tuesday after christmas. taking the money i won't have to pay the sitter this paycheck and getting it filed. it's time for me to be a divorcee already. i need to cut this final thread to the "old michelle". and i can go back to being a SCHLUTER!!! yay!!! i miss being a schluter :D

that's really about it. have to go finish making sure i have everything since i promised thomas his grammy the moment he wakes from his nap...

tah-tah for now

ps- check out my photoblog. trying to keep it updated, but don't be surprised if there are gaps in the dates lol

almost time...

2009-12-10T14:41:00.001-06:00

in less than 11 days thomas will be going to see his father for xmas. not sure how i feel about that yet. this will be my first xmas without him and its heartbreaking. i know he's going to have fun with the family in ms but i'm gonna miss him :(

at least i'll have work to keep me busy....

starting over...

2009-12-08T15:17:00.001-06:00

i decided to bring life back into my photoblog. no guarantees that i will post a pic everyday, but i will try. check it out. posted the first pic today :) you can find me at: www.mickey365.blogspot.com

tell me what you think as my little stinker ages through the wonder of photography and my own personal skills imporive. not to mention there will be pics taken by the little monster himself once christmas rolls around and he unwraps that shiny new vtech kids digital camera and 2g memory card.

i love my life :D

the 2am screaming toddler bit

2009-11-23T03:44:00.001-06:00

my poor baby...

last week it was a bout with croup that has had him hacking up half his lungs and combatting a mid-grade fever...

tonight he came in my room screaming in pain. when i went & laid down with him i realized he was holding his ear. given last winters struggles with ear infections which culminated in the tubes this past april, i decided to take him to the hospital.

thank god for children's medical center and 24-hr walgreens :) he's settled back in bed now (hopefully sleeping) and i am headed that way. have about threehours to go before thealarm wakes me up...

i love my life :D

Rocking and Rolling

2009-10-07T22:55:00.000-05:00

nothing really "new" to report. Things here are going well with me. Tomorrow is my last full day of training and i am so excited to be moving up to transition and moving forward with my job :) Have supervisors listening in to calls this week and got some great feedback today on some difficult situations. Makes me feel more confident in my abilities to rock the insurance world.

once i get on the floor, i plan on talking to my supervisor about how to move up in becoming a trainer. Think that it is something that I can defenitely shine doing. i love helping others grasp the concepts and a lot of times (i am coming to learn) i have a much easier time teaching the process. Plus there is the added bonus of knowing each and every day i accomplished something in teaching someone something new :)

Thomas is doing GREAT!!! according to him, he is "happy". growing like a weed and moves at 120 mph until he crashes (quite literally) each night. my energy level has to increase some in order to keep up with him, but i don't mind. been working on the throwing of the football skills with him as he is now fascinated with the sport. need to find a toddler sized one so he can learn to hold it correctly :) i have hopes of him being a linebacker one day, but he's pretty decent at throwing even the football that's too big. so who knows.... maybe he will be replacing romo in a few years :)

That's really about it.... winding down now from a busy day. loving my life, even though it does get quite stressful at times. Thank you Lord for keeping me sane. Looking forward to my Thomas-free week next week, as he will be in MS with his grandma and poppy :) I love the booger, but it will be nice to have some time to myself and get my room in order.

so.... that's all i have to say for now... goodnight world :)

Tired...

2009-10-04T22:53:00.000-05:00

life is grand. Thomas had strep this past week. so i ended up missing 1.5 days of work, but he's all better now :)

This weekend was long as heck. but i loved it. got to spend time with the people i love most and that makes the exhaustion at the end of the weekend bearable.

not much else going on. working my tail off, and loving it. finish training this week, then move onto transition. which is doing the job with the assistance of mentors before being sent out onto the floor on my own.

that's really about it... think the bed is calling my name.

g'night :)

loving life

2009-09-14T14:20:00.000-05:00

it has now been raining for five days... the ground is wet, the skies are grey and the air is cool. and my two year old is driving me crazy! there is only so much you can do indoors before the kid gets cabin fever.

this weekend we have:
- avoided getting drowned during a freakish downpour outside of target
- sang silly songs
- watched cars, wall-e, bolt, yo gabba-gabba and other MULTIPLE times
- play mind-numbing toddler-friendly computer games
- set up and destroyed train tracks (those dinosaurs are vicious)

it was fun times :)

why no news...

2009-09-07T22:40:00.002-05:00

so it's been kinda crazy for me lately, so i haven't been able to update my loyal readers (all two of you lol) and i'm sorry.

Things are going well. i absolutely love my job!!! GEICO has been an amazing place to work for and i love it!!

Thomas is doing grand. has become a little *ahem* turd lately, but i still love him. the adjustment into our new home and my work schedule has him acting out a bit more than usual. plan on spending some quality time with him over the weekend and see how things go from there.

Not much else going on with me. planning a maybe trip out to shreveport in a couple weeks with a friend. but that all depends on whether or not i can get someone to watch my little terrorist for the time... we'll see what happens

and real quick, while i am here i have to say congratulations to my baby sister, Audrey, and her FIANCEE, Frank... Good luck you two and it's about damned time :)

loving life...

2009-08-02T11:45:00.000-05:00

so i've been at geico for two weeks now and i absolutely love it!!! been training to get my insurance license and have my state exam first thing tomorrow morning. am nervous about it, but i also know i have it in the bag.

thomas has been to mississippi and back already and has started just absorbing everything. there are new words and activities everyday that astound me. i love this kid!

nothing else really going on here. still unpacking my duplex. my roomate moves in the 15th so i wanna makes sure all of my stuff is in order before she gets here.

yay life

I GOT THE JOB!!!!

2009-06-24T23:03:00.000-05:00

You are now talking to a new Geico employee!

OMG, i'm so excited about this job it's not even funny! customer service in the insurance world. you can't beat it...

i don't start for about another month, but that's fine with me... gives me more time to get a semi-professional/business casual wardrobe together. or at the very least, the beginning of one. lol.

tjhat's really about it. i am so jived about this opportunity! go in tomorrow for my background and drugs tests. not worried about that in the least. what with having had a security clearance and never done drugs...

think i'm good to go

GO ME!!!!

no news is good news... sometimes

2009-06-23T17:33:00.002-05:00

not really much going on in my sad little life...

Thomas is currently clinging to me in fear of the "hash-slinging slasher" on SpongeBob... lol... the child is adorable.

Tomorrow is the day of reconning on my job hunt frontier. I have gone through the entire process for Geico as a Customer Representative. My final interview was this past Friday. Tomorrow they will go through the files and determine whether or not they want to hire me... I am trying so hard not to fret upon this upcoming "yay" or "nay" from the company... But it's hard not to think about it...

... and the house hunt continues... I have decided that considering the circumstances (my roomate having a child of her own) that a duplex or house is a better idea than apartment when it comes to sanity...Looking at a place tomorrow afternoon... *fingers crossed*

that's really about it. Thomas heads to Mississippi here in three weeks(ish). I have no idea what I am gonna do with my free time while he's gone.

lol

T-minus three days and counting

2009-05-26T15:37:00.003-05:00

Okay, I know that I haven't really been writing all that much, but don't blame me... It's all the monkey's fault. They seriously have me in the fast lane of life, but it's all good.

But seriously... School is nearly over. In the last week of it now... as of Friday I will be ready to rock in the medical field. Work search is on like a mo-fo!

Found an apartment over the weekend. Put in the application paperwork for it saturday. Have a good feeling about it too. I can't wait. Should be moving in the beginning of July!

go me!

Thomas is doing amazingly awesome! Ever since the tubes in his ears surgery, he has been a different boy. His vocabulary has completely increased ten-fold. he is moving up to the two word sentences and adding new words all the time. I'm telling you that I love that little boy!

That's really about it. Like I said: the monkeys have taken over the car and I am just along for the ride. Go monkeys.

talk at ya laterz

quick update

2009-05-04T00:20:00.002-05:00

school is almost over. less than a month to go...

yay!!

Doing the constant job applications now. Hoping to have work set up soon as i get out of school, then be able to get my own place by early-mid July.

The love of my life is planning to come and visit me sometime this summer and eager as i am to see him, i am nervous... have some health stuff starting up that I thought had been gone before. this bites.

can't afford to see the doctor, so I am hoping there is nothing to worry about, but time will only tell.

thats really about it. it's late, i'm tired and don't feel good.

God bless

updates

2009-04-09T22:17:00.000-05:00

i cant believe that it's already april....man, how the time flies.

things are going well. staying busy what with a two-year old and school. not a dull moment in my life. about another 6 weeks of schooling to go, and i will be both happy and sad to see it end. happy cause its over and i can get work. sad cause im gonna miss all that learning....

thomas is good. staying busy and keeping me active. has a new thing for sneaking into bed with me in the middle of the night. he also loves to just throw his arms around my neck and pull me in for a "bear hug" (which from a two-year old is not threatening) and then lathering me in kisses. he really is a sweet boy

nothing else really going on. filed the divorce petition. going from there. thomas is spending two weeks in MS in July with his grandparents and am working on arranging a visit with his dad in mn for a couple weeks as well. his summer is going to be fairly full.

yeah... so, that's my life

Indestructible

2009-03-31T10:06:00.000-05:00

This weekend my phone took a bath in the washing machine. Luckily I caught it only five minutes into the cycle so it didn't make it to the soap dispensing stage.

most blackberry's have been known to meet their maker when this happens. My dad's for instance took a milk dive and never worked again.

But not my little phone. after a few days of drying out, its good as new, only a little cleaner.

This isn't the first time it's experienced near-death though. The day I got it, it went for a nose dive off the roof of my car and busted all over the road. after gathering all pieces and putting it together, it worked fine.

Thomas has also thrown my poor phone around and used it as a chew toy on occasion before i can get to him.

So, i have a theory that my little phone is indestructible. It's battered and scarred, but a survivor none-the-less.

yay for me and my awesome phone!!!

Wierd

2009-03-25T23:43:00.002-05:00

So I was at Wal-Mart today, and i could have sworn my junior/senior year crush... It was crazy. I mean totally wierd. thought I saw him a couple weeks ago too...

I think my mind is playing tricks on me. What the crap would he be doing in Garland, TX at the Wal-Mart I just happen to shop at? he's probally out doing some amazing theatre tech work or in Austin. But defn not in Garland, TX

Me thinks that I have finally lost all my marbles. seeing someone who i will prolly never see again, except maybe at the HS reunion...

jumping in

2009-02-16T21:41:00.002-06:00

i have decided to just go ahead and jump into the college thing. and go for my bachelors degree. its something i should have done a long time ago and keep putting off, but not any longer.

im going to check out University of North Texas tomorrow and see what they have. what i want is a major in English with an emphasis in creative writing and a minor in brit lit. hard to find really. but i am a freaking book nerd and love old british writing, esp Shakespeare... ah to have been there once upon a time and seen his plays performed for the first time...

so, here i go... jumping in and just doing what i have been wanting to do for years... get that degree and make something of myself... i am also going for a secondary teacher's certification so that i can be a high school english teacher.

who knows, maybe one day i can get my master's and become a college proffesor... but that's a while from now. right now, i think i will just stick to the bachelors...

talk about timing

2009-01-25T22:15:00.002-06:00

i finally get all my paperwork in order and am now headed into week two of my schooling...

and now i'm sickly. my throat feels as if someone has taken a fork to the back of my throat. i hardly have a voice left and it feels like im swalling sharp shards of glass no matter what i put in my mouth...

ugh.

i've decided, i dont have time to be sick, so therefore i am not sick. my throat is just exhausted from my talking too much.

and THAT'S how its gonna be.

How Things have changed

2009-01-19T10:51:00.002-06:00

Today we celebrate the life of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr and all he accomplished with that life. its hard to think that he would be 80 this year... He taught us so much in his short life and worked so hard to ensure equality.

I think its fitting that we celebrate Dr. King the day before the first black president is sworn into office. He would have been happy, I beleive to know that all his work culimated to this historical day. On the night of November 4, 2008, when it was announced that Obama had won, the news cameras stood on the Reverand Jessies Jackson. He was in years. While i am not the biggest fan of the Reverand, I had to think about all he had seen in his life...;

This man marched alongside Dr. King and was a victim of segregation himself. and that he was able to live to see our country having grown so much as to elect a black man into office just brings tears to my eyes...

this Martin Luther King Day really makes me think. i admit that most years it comes and goes and i really dont think about it. but this year, i find myself reflecting on all Dr. King taught us about peaceful opposition, fighting for what is right and just without lifting a fist.

"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

life is fun

2009-01-16T14:22:00.004-06:00

trying to get final approval for school...

just waiting for people to call sucks!

oh well.

Thomas is great! got a flu shot, so not feeling the best today. already back to his normal self.

so, yeah. thats it.

i give up

2009-01-14T23:43:00.002-06:00

ever have one of those days where it just feels like no matter what, you just cant get anything right???

enter stage left, ME!

always. never. failing. always. mucking. up.

some nights i just want to curl up and cry over the failure i have become. how is it things could have become so bad and uncertain in just a few months? im unemployed, trying to take care of my son, and living in my parents house...

three months ago... i had a job and my own place...

i feel like. no matter how hard i try to stay afloat and get going, i only manage to sink a little deeper down.

im not like "oh poor me, i have nothing to live for"... because i do have the most amazing thing to live for. thomas. i just feel like. i dunno. that maybe i cant do it. that i cant do what is needed of me to do. i try to, but i keep failing, and everyone around me is looking at me like i am doing nothing. when in fact, i am doing everything i can. and know how to do....

what the fuck is wrong with me?

longest, bestest weekend

2009-01-13T22:09:00.006-06:00

just got back from our weekend in fredericksburg. we went out there to visit my grandparents and great-grandmother (thomas' great-grandparents and great-great-grandma)... it was an amazing visit.

saturday morning, nana and i went to the King Tut exhibit at the dallas museum of art. it was AMAZING!!!! dream. come. true. period... i highly recommend it to anyone to check out. especially if you, like myself, are obsessed with ancient egypt. i have four tattoos dedicated to it... the displays that are there are each at least 3-4,000 years old!!! and a lot of it looks like it was crafted yesterday. total life highlight

afterwards, she thomas and i hopped in the car for the five-ish hour drive to fredericksburg... i learned where billy the kid is from... hico, tx. i love learning when traveling!!!

spent sunday at church, riding the horses, chasing the peacock, dogs and cat. thomas enjoyed all the fresh air and the tractor. macie gave him a ride around the yard on that fancy piece of machinery...

monday, we visited with my mimi. she is 93 years and still going strong. thomas loved it. that would be a first, fourth and fifth generation together at once time moment in time there. i enjoyed being able to catch up with her. she really is the sweetest woman.

we went back to nana's and had dinner with cousin walton and uncle john. just great. i love them. walton is a great little boy. and i havent seen him since he was 2 months old. and here he is almost five now... my how the time flies... thomas and walton were able to entertain each other most of the evening, as well as get me into a rather intriging round of "ring around the posie"... i l-o-v-e-d loved it.

on the way home today, i decided to pull a u-ie and took thomas to dinosuar valley state park. it was a quick trip through, seeing as how its freezing outside and being able to see most of the track involves getting up close and personal with some water... but i did get him to see the gigantor dino displays (photo shown here). not completely impressed, but it was fun nevertheless....

needless to say, it was a totally radical weekend (thats right, i went there). my visit was a great one. i was able to spend time with my nana and macie in a one on one situation, vs at christmas when it was first come first serve on visiting wtih family and thomas got special time with very special people.

i think a lot of people today just dont realize how special it is to have grandparents, let alone great or even grea-great grandparents...

falling into place

2009-01-08T10:53:00.002-06:00

finally found a school that i can start.

if all goes well i will start my medical secretary training on the 21st. and i even found a daycare for Thomas that is right on the way to the school.

things are starting to fall into place for me. looked on the government hiring page and i can start out making more there than in the "civilian" world as a medical secretary.

whoo-hoo

Chivalry, my friends, is not dead

2009-01-07T09:53:00.002-06:00

true story...

i was taking thomas to the mall yesterday and stopped at a gas station to put air in the strollers tires. it takes me about two minutes to wrestle the thing out of my trunk.

once its out, i take off all the tire tabbie things that keep the air from escaping and start filling the tires with air.

just as i am finishing filling up the last tire and putting the tire tabbies back on, i hear someone ask me if i needed any help. "no thanks" i tell him "im nearly done here.

the guy gets off his bike (the kind you peddle) and helps me fold up and put the stroller back in the trunk. he then jumps back on the bike and rides off, telling me to "have a blessed day".

when i sat down in my car, i looked out the rearview mirror to make sure i wouldnt hit him and he was gone. i looked around, wondering if perhaps he was an angel or something, when i saw him already across the street, heading towards Fryes...

it seems that there are still a few genually nice people in the world.

and that thought, my dear friends, gives me hope for the future

Here's to you 2009

2009-01-06T14:02:00.003-06:00

so, here it is. another year.

so much happened last year. i just cant believe its already over.

my baby turned one

my husband and i split

i separated from the air force

i moved to dallas with my parents

thomas learned to walk, said his first words, and gives kisses.

i have so much to look forward to in 2009:
my divorce
my baby turns TWO
i turn TWENTY-FIVE
a new career
starting school in the fall (hopefully)
getting my own place

hooray for a new year

check out my photoblog i started for 2009: http://www.mickey365.blogspot.com

its also a link. a photo for each day of the year.

let me know what you think of my photography skills

There's no earthly way of knowing

2008-12-29T21:58:00.002-06:00

it is time for me to figure out what i wanna be when/if i grow up. i have an idea of what i really want to do, i'm just nervous about actually doing it...

what i want to do is to teach high school english. how i would love to teach young high school students the wonder of the written word. help them to understand and love it as much as i do. to be able to help them understand Shakespeare, Austen, Chaucer, and many of the classic authors i have always loved...

the only thing holding me back i guess is my uncertainty. can i actually teach? would i be good at instilling a passion in those young minds for the unknown? could i handle defeat when they dont care about what i have to teach them? am i really cut out to do it?

i have begun research into gaining my BA in English, with a minor possibly in writing. the schools i have looked at thus far offer a dual degree. in which i would gain my english degree as well as a secondary education certification.

there is nothing holding me back from attaining this goal, other than my lack of faith in myself i suppose. i will be getting training to become a medical administrative assistant so i can pay my bills for the time being, but lets face it... its not in me to do so forever...

how do i get that faith and start my training. it took me six years to get my associates degree... what if i NEVER get that Bachelor's??? what if i never try? what if i can't hack it as a "real" college student, single parent, and human being???

what if i am just being too hard on myself and just need to go ahead and jump???

lets face it... im 24 and living in my parents house with my (almost) two year old son...

i need to go ahead and jump in...

anyone have a parachute, or bungee cord i can borrow??? preferably one that actually works...

Happy Holidays

2008-12-27T21:13:00.000-06:00

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Love,
Michelle & Thomas

It was a VERY happy Christmas...

2008-12-25T16:48:00.002-06:00

as christmas day draws to a close, i am tired, sore and ready for a week at the spa. thomas is tired, and ready to play some more with his new toys.

the child is spoiled. point blank. we had to enlarge the toybox to fit his new aquisitions from this year and there is STILL some overflow. mr potato head has already relinquished his spectacles and the toy leaf blower has been set up out of tiny hands reach a few times.

my favorite gift that i received is tickets to go see king tut in two weeks. his artifacts are on display at the dallas museum of art & my parents got me tickets. this has been a life long dream of mine since i was thomas' size.... i am soooooooooo excited about it.

thats about it. gotta run. thomas has got hold of the leaf blower again and its time to remove it from his grasp.

ooh... and my prime rib is done

congratulations, its a... TODDLER

2008-12-17T09:39:00.003-06:00

its official. my baby is now in full-fledged toddler mode. there is no more baby left in him (unless hes sleeping, then i can see it)

i made this startling revelation last night. we were at jamie's band christmas sing-a-long concert, and he was unable to sit still. i had to take him out into the lobby where he chased around another little boy about his size. we left early and went home where i tried to bake some brownies...

...and when i say tried... i mean tried. i did eventually succeed, but it was a battle. first came the removal of ALL the baking pans, and the tantrum that followed when i told him to return the pans to the cubbard...

... then came the biting argument. i told him no, mommy cant pick him up right now, give me a minute (i was putting the brownies in the oven) and the little shit bit me. right on the leg. needless to say, he did get smacked for that. i dont usually spank, slap or hit my child in any way, but telling him "no" on biting does not work...

... and then came dinner. he ate his chicken, threw his vegetables on the ground and screamed at me when i told him to finish chewing and swallow his food. that resulted in his showing me his chewed up food. eventually following my orders and swallowing it...

... for the topper of the night... his nebulizer treatment... usually he does it really well. however, last night (and the night before) he has thrown the worlds largest tantrum. there was screaming, red faced shaking his entire body, kicking and hitting me. i won. stuck him on my lap, little legs stuck between mine, one arm behind me, and the other held in the same hand, my fingers just created a circle around his wrist, no pressure needed. the other hand, i used to hold his nebulizer mask in place...

... needless to say, i am exhausted. all of this combined helped me to realize we have now entered the dreaded "terrible twos" and my baby boy is now a toddler. yay for me!!!

i want my baby back...

but i defenitly am loving this toddler that has taken his place full of hugs and kisses when he isnt screaming...

and tricare astounds me once again

2008-12-15T15:05:00.002-06:00

okay... so thomas is NOT sick at this time. took him to see his dr today, and he thinks that it is just some serious sinus allergies... go figure. cost me 70 bucks for that diagnosis... blargh... oh well, at least i know that my boy is healthy. we have a follow up appt on thurs morning to make sure everything is good. check out his cough and all that jazz. make sure that it really isnt anything serious.

but, wanna hear the funniest thing EVER... called tricare this morning before i set up thomas' appt. i sent in my paperwork and the check for insurance continuance... called them today to make sure all was good before i went in and had to pay like 120 bucks for thomas' check-up...

apparently i was already enrolled in a completely different kinda program already. its a transitional healthcare program. instead of having to pay the enrollment fee on top of the 150 dollar deductible and 20% co-pay from there... i only have to pay for the deductible and co=pay. no enrollment fee. has to do with my having been medically separated from the military. so we are good until may. which has saved me at least 4,000 dollars in enrollement fees (2,000 a quarter), possibly even 6,000.

hoo-ray for small victories.

aaargh

2008-12-11T14:10:00.002-06:00

thomas is sick...

again.

my poor little man. runny nose, cough, constant clammering for attention. think its another cold. but it should clear up in a few days. no fever at least, and his diaper is not looking too bad.

other than that... still cant seem to find a job. applying to a couple different companies, but no such luck so far. gonna apply for a waiting position at a couple restaurants around the local area. it will at least pay the bills for the time being...

i gotta interview... with a company

2008-11-12T22:26:00.002-06:00

went to a job fair just for vets today... i still find it strange to think of myself as a veteran. i mean, i'm only 24... and i never went to the sandbox, but because i served during a time of war, i am a veteran. its wierd to think about i guess.

anyways, i went off track there... i now have an interview set up for friday with a security company. hopefully that goes well and i have a job in line to start next week. (fingers crossed people, mickey needs work)

thomas is cantankerous as ever. since the weather has been nasty for two days, he's been stuck inside and he gets some sort of island fever (except for him it would be indoor fever). its freaking insane. i was able to take him outside for the first time today and we went EVERYWHERE. went for a walk in the neighborhood, which was broken up with a thirty minute detour to the playground... then later on in the day, we took the more relaxed dog for a walk down the street. that was a blast. it was quite a kodak moment had i had a camera. i was holding onto to his monkey leash, walking the child as he was walking the dog. fun times were most definetely had by all.

so, im tired. its late. and i have a date with my son at the zoo tomorrow so grammy can clean and wax her floors. im hoping the zoo will also wear out the last of his excess energy. on the plus side. it seems as if his teeth are in now. all thats left at this point are his two year molars and it should be a while before those comes in...

in the words of the great Tigger... Tah-Tah for now.

exhaustion to the third power

2008-11-09T22:33:00.003-06:00

thomas is teething again...

last night he woke up at 1230 in the am (i went to bed at 1130). and we were up until nearly 0300 because he was in so much pain.

i was unable to help him at all. it sucked.

we woke up for the day around 0700, so another 4 hours of sleep. the lack of rest has been non-stop since halloween. that was the last night he slept fully.

so tonight, in anticipation of some serious teething middle of the night tantrum, i was prepared. before bed, we had us some motrin to combat the pain and swelling (chipmunk cheeks rock, then a warm bath (he played in the water for thirty minutes). this was followed by his nebulizer in the rocker (newly installed in our bedroom, thank you very much grammy) accompanied by piano lullabies. once the nebulizer was out of steam/meds/whatever is in that little tube i squirt in, he got his pacifier (only at bedtime does he get those) and we rocked until he was fast asleep.

i pray that he gets a full nights rest. not only would my accompanying full nights rest appreciate it, but i believe it will do wonders on his attitude. because these last few days, i've been wondering if my child had been possessed or something.

so, now that my little tyrant is fast asleep, i am headed off to dreamland myself. look out JTT, here i come. gosh, i 'heart' him...

Computers... bah. who needs em?

2008-11-07T23:33:00.002-06:00

i totally love my laptop, but the last two days its been trying my patience.

take one: im sitting here, surfing the 'net for work opportunities and what happens??? stupid antivirus 2009 goes ahead and downloads itself (only partially mind you) and starts tryig to charge me to fully upload the rest of it. it also comes up with 41 'malicious threats' against my machine...

right. so my dad installs nortan, corporate edition and it finds... get this... NOTHING. i un-install antivirus 2009. all's done and over, no one gets hurt, right???

wrongo... the freaking av2009 is still running and claiming that my system is freaking infected. the crazy part of it is... its not!!!

so, my dad helps me to restore the software back to a month ago, which deletes all prior installations and upgrades and whoo-hah and what-nots. we re-load (and by we, i mean he) the norton corporate, and it starts running...

lo and behold, *regal announcement voice* NO VIRUSES DETECTED *trumpets blare*

the thing has run at least 10 virus scans since then, and nothing... its my logical conclusion that av2009 is a virus in its own right and should be shot on sight. i mean seriously, it freaking LOADED ITSELF ONTO MY COMPUTER, then refused to go away after i un-installed it. and yes, to those of you smart-alecs out there, i did reboot the entire system... twice...

so, tonight, i go to logon to catch up on my Ugly Betty episodes, i click on my little speaker symbol to take it off mute, and guess what...

in all the 'virus malee'

someone deleted the sound program...

i'll say it again... computers suck donkey balls.

and that's all i have to say about that

Back in Texas

2008-11-06T10:46:00.003-06:00

Its wierd. i mean, i've been counting down until i was out of the military and back wtih my son, but now that i am here... im happy to be out and i am thrilled to have thomas back with me, but i really have no idea what to do with myself. took rob off the phone plan and he got pissed. threatened to take thomas if i didnt put him back on the plan. i didnt give in. his own family has told me they would testify in front of a judge or sign an affidavit saying that thomas is better off with me...

the job hunt, sucks. i have an associates, but its in weather. other than that, i am qualified for nothing. most weather jobs want you to have a bachelors in meteorology... grrrr. have applied for about 20 jobs thus far, and as of today: three have requested further information and one said they are going to pursue other applicants. there's a job fair tomorrow, and i plan on attending it.

not even thinking about an apartment until i get a job, but as long as i stay in this part of dallas, i found one i absolutely love. its extrememly small (624 sq feet), but its extremely secure. requires key pass to get into the parking garage and the actual building as well as the key to get into the apartment. they do extensive background checks as well. anyone who has a felony conviction is not allowed to live there, so i dont have to worry about potential child offenders. plus, its just me and thomas... we really dont need a big place.

thats really about it. busy, busy me. found out i can file for divorce in three months, instead of six since i am already a state resident, so i just have to establish county residency. hooray for little victories.

yeah, so. tah-tah for now

an awakening of sorts

2008-10-15T23:04:00.000-05:00

I fought going to church tonight. Not that I didn't wanna go, but I was concerned about gas.

Church won. And I'm glad that it did. During the worship, I felt the power of the Lord just wash over me for the first time in years. And I broke...

I felt the weight of all my sins from the past six years weigh on my chest. Then I prayed for him to take away my pain. I was tired of running from him and ready to run to him.

The preacher started the sermon and said that during the prayer God told him to change his message. Someone in attendance needed to hear it.

So instead of a message on fasting, tonight was a message on Psalm 91, particularly verses 14-16 where God takes over. And wherever in those three verses God refers to "he" or "him" substitute your own name.

I broke some more. My walls have started to crumble. The more I learn, the more I want to learn.

Tonight, at the same time the Lord spoke to the preacher, I prayed for Him to open my heart and take my sins and to just show me the way. And I was the one He wanted to hear tonight's message.

And I took it to heart. Praise the Lord!!!

leaving him again

2008-10-14T12:55:00.002-05:00

so, my six days with my little stinker are almost over. we are leaving for the airport in a little over an hour, then its back to nasty ole biloxi...

one thing i can say is, the moment i landed here in texas, i just felt better. about myself, about life, about everything. i just thought "thank God i'm back in texas". it really is where i belong.

the only downer to my trip is that thomas got sick. he had the sniffles and some allergies thursday, but yesterday we took him to his doctor where he was diagnosed with pnemonia. and i have to leave today. fortunately, God answers prayers and in the 24 hours since we've seen the doctor, he is doing markedly better. he uses a nebulizer every few hours to help break up the mucus in his lungs and takes his anti-biotics. he is even talking again!!!

still sick, but looking and acting better. now he doesnt have to deal wtih the blood tests and chest x-rays.

thank you God!

i will be out on November 17th, so looking to be home around that time frame. the countdown has truly begun.

my testimony

2008-10-05T19:38:00.001-05:00

When I was a young girl, I met the perfect man. He was kind, honest and full of love for everyone around him. The more I got to know him, the further in love I fell. I lived my life for him and him alone. His name was Jesus Christ and at the tender age of 13, I gave my life to him
Throughout High School, I proclaimed my faith and tried to live as He would want. I never did drugs, never drank and vowed to save myself for my future husband. Things were good then. I was filled with the glory of God and was determined to serve him.
After High School, I got onto a bus and headed for Lackland Air Force Base to complete my Basic Training into the United States Air Force. Every time the training became difficult I just repeated Phillipians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. I would sing that verse to myself each and every hour through the entire six weeks and was blessed for my faith with the coveted “honor graduate” title, only one of 30 given out of the approximately 2400 airman to graduate with me that day.
During my technical training at Keesler Air Force Base I was compelled to take on a student leader position as a chapel rope. I quickly became the head rope and led the student worship center and services. I ministered to my fellow Airmen, encouraged by a young marine corporal in my class. To this day, I don’t remember his name or face, but I remember his faith and how it pushed me to pursue my own even further.
When I graduated from Tech School I was blessed to have my orders changed from Scott AFB in Illinois to Yokota Air Base in Tokyo, Japan. Little did I know that this assignment would begin a five year test in my faith. One which I would fail in nearly every way possible.
My first night in Japan, a future co-worker invited me to come hang out in his room with a few other Airmen and drink. Knowing full well that I was underage, I accepted. This would become the first in a long line of bad choices. I began to go out to the local bars and clubs and drinking more and more. My clothing choices went from conservative to inappropriate and geared towards catching the eyes of men. The woman who vowed to wait started to pursue carnal relations and it never mattered to me whether they were single or married.
During all of this, I was still attending church each Sunday. I was a leader in the singles ministry and the female vocalist for the church band. I thought little of how my personal life affected my spiritual. To me, there was nothing wrong with my going out.
Then, on February 21, 2004, my lifestyle caught up with me. That night, I drank excessively, dressed outrageously and behaved inappropriately. My actions caught the eye of one of my fellow Airman who followed me home from the club. I was too drunk to fight him off and he took full advantage. My life quickly began to unravel after that.
Instead of turning to God for healing, I cursed him for allowing it to happen. I quit attending church and started to drink and party even more. I was empty and devoid of all feeling and never turned to the one place that could fill the void in my heart. I was hurt and angry and never took my fault for what happened. It was easier to blame God.
I became even more depressed over the following months and self-destructive. By the time my great-grandfather passed that October, there was nothing left of me. I week after I buried Opa, on October 27 2004, I tried to end my own life.
I still remember that feeling of emptiness and hopelessness that night. I called on everyone I knew and no one answered. The only call I didn’t make was the one that truly mattered, to God. So, I sat there alone and lost in my room and began to saw at my arm with a steak knife, hoping to feel something. I felt nothing, so I went into my medicine cabinet and took every pill there. I passed out on the bathroom floor, ready to die.
I don’t know how much time passed, but I woke up briefly and began to cry. Then I prayed “lord, I don’t really want to die. Please help me”. I still am unsure about what happened after that, but I ended up two floors up, passed out in the hall outside my friend’s room. I was quickly discovered and rushed to the ER where my stomach was pumped and my heart rate brought down. Apparently, another five more minutes and I would have been dead.
The next few days were a blur, but the one thing I do remember was the visitors. It wasn’t the people who I frequented the clubs with. Not the men and women who bought me drinks or the men who took me back to their places to spend the night. No, it was the men and women from the church I had abandoned in lieu of earthly pleasures. It was the guys from the band, with instruments in tow, to sing with me and bring my spirits up. It was the members of the singles group who stayed with me, never judging, and just pouring out their love for me.
After that night, I started going back to church and tried to rebuild my cast aside faith. But that wasn’t the end. Satan took full advantage of my weakened faith and spirit and re-fueled my hatred and anger by telling me how God couldn’t truly love me any longer because of all my sins. I listened and once again cast aside the church and God.
After I left Japan, I went back to Keesler for further training where I met a good man and married him within 6 weeks of meeting him. I truly thought this was the man for me, an answered prayer from the Lord. We headed off to Germany where we lived our lives going out to bars and clubs nearly every weekend. Once again, my drinking became out of hand and on more than one occasion I would become belligerent and beat my husband. Driven by guilt, I started to withdraw from him.
When we discovered that I was pregnant I rejoiced and my life began to change. I started to realize that I was not living a Godly life. Sure, I talked the talk, but I never walked the walk. Once we returned to the states, I started to attend church more often and really listen to the word.
By the time my son was born I thought I was truly on the right path towards re-kindling my relationship with Christ. I quit going out to the bars and clubs and reduced my drinking. I wanted my son to have a good example of how to live his life. The closer I started getting to the Lord, the further I drifted away from my husband. He continued to go out and live how he wanted to and instead of fulfilling my wifely duties and confronting him in a calm matter, I yelled and screamed and forbade him to spend time in the casinos and clubs. We began to drift apart and because I could not be the wife for him that he wanted, he pursued others.
Over the past couple of months, since I asked for a divorce, I have really started to re-evaluate my life and search for what I had before. I realized then that I have failed in my Christian walk, as a wife, as a woman and in turn as a mother. I have struggled now for two months with my own pride to take that last step I need to in order to continue my walk. I’m there; I want to know Him again, to live my life for the glory of the Lord. After a lot of inner searching and prayer, I can’t run anymore. He has pressed on me what I need to do in order to continue my walk and that is to swallow my foolish pride and shame over my past and to share it. I still don’t know what he plans to do with my story, but I have to tell it, so I am.
I know that the road ahead is going to be difficult and full of obstacles, but I also know that that man I fell in love with 11 years ago will still be there just as he has been. He will continue to hold my hand as I walk and carry me when I am weak and loving me despite my faults. There is a verse that I learned as a little girl that has been popping up in my head numerous times over the past two weeks as I faced the departure of my husband, the reality of my expanding bills and the notice of my medical separation from the Air Force. It has helped calm me in the past and eased each burden I have encountered in all of my 24 years. “I cast all my cares upon you, I lay all of my burdens down at your feet. And any time I don’t know what to do; I will cast all my cares upon you”.

once upon a time

2008-09-21T11:36:00.000-05:00

There lived a young girl with a dream. To find her prince charming, have a fairy tale wedding, then ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after...

Scratch that. The young girl thought she'd found her prince and married him in a vegas wedding chapel, whereafter they ran off to europe to start their happily ever after. After a year, they found out that they would welcome a prince into the house.

Fast forward, the girl and her prince move home to welcome their child amidst family and friends. But the fairy tale was quickly ending.

The prince started going out and spending all his money at the clubs and casinos. The girl was left home alone night after night to care for the princling. They started fighting more and more and the girl became more and more depressed.

One night as they were driving home he let it slip... He'd been having illicit relations online. The girls heart was shattered. She didn't know what to do anymore.

Try as her prince could to promise her it would never happen again, the girl didn't believe him. He had hurt her one too many times in the past.

Now she is moving out on her own. Her prince was no more than a toad in disguise. But in all of that, she found her real prince charming... In the beautiful blue-eyed prince she birthed 18 months before. Here was the prince who would love her and cherish her.

And she would love him all her life until he found a young princess of his own to love and cherish.

And that, my friends, is the story of how, I found my prince, lost him then found my real love in my son. The true prince in my life: Thomas Michael.

The End

unfreaking believable

2008-08-20T21:23:00.002-05:00

i made SSgt. thats one more stripe on my sleeve and about 200-300 dollars more a month on my paycheck. but that doesnt matter. the fact is: I MADE IT!!!! i studied my ass off and for once, it did something. hooray for me

doing a victory drink after i get off work tonight. unfortunately, due to my lack of friends in the local area, Rob will be my DD. but at least im going out. something i never freaking do anymore. i think the last time was while i was in ALS... and the night of ALS graduation... the time before that... when Lisa was in town, around THANKSGIVING

Just call me Sarge!

a lovers embrace

2008-08-19T01:18:00.004-05:00

Eagerly slipping into the night
Silently escaping to my lovers arms
Awakening again in his tender embrace
Love overflows, restoring my heart
His sweet kisses erasing all pain
Bodies entwining in loves endless dance
Two souls connecting, creating one being
Hearts racing, tuning to their lovers beat
Lost in the passion, forgetting reality
Longing to stay in his arms for all time
Feeling the power our love can create
Tides of passion slowly ebbing away
Peaceful calm and quiet after the storm
Lying there softly in his loving embrace
Head on his chest, hearts beating in time
quietly laying a tearstained kiss on his lips
Before stealing away back into the night
Wishing to stay in loves tender caress

*******
before you freak out, i am not sneaking out into the night to see anyone. this is just a fantasy
for me. what i wish i had. what i wish to have one day. because i know
hes out there waiting for me. i just have to keep looking.

-michelle

venting somewhere new

2008-08-18T00:32:00.000-05:00

So, apparently rob has spies reading my blog on myspace. So in order to vent out my frustrations, I am writing here.

I'm tired... My heart hurts. My body hurts. My spirit hurts...

Every day I have to see him. Have to be reminded of how easy it was for him to forget our vows. Haw easily he was able to move on...

Why is it I was the one who asked for the divorce, yet I'm the one whose having a hard time letting go? I care we had something.

I'm not saying I was a saint though. I had my issues as well. My drinking became an issue in Germany, so I quit drinking. I had issues with sex, due to some lingering backlash from my rape. I was seeing a counselor to work past that. But it wasn't enough I guess. I wasn't enough for him as a wife. I pushed him to it. Its because of me that this all happened.

I wish I knew where I went wrong...

im dying inside

2008-06-29T19:07:00.004-05:00

i dont know what to do... i dont trust him anymore, and i dont know if i can ever look at him the same way again. its all so confusing.

to him, it was role playing online. sex with vampires, deamons and forest elves (not really sure about that one). to me it was a broken marraige vow. and he doesn't know why i am so upset and how i can be willing to walk away. am i right? or am i wrong?

i just really dont know what to do anymore.

i think this is it. unless something happens to tell me otherwise. my marriage just may be over.

and i feel like i am dying inside.

headed for hawaii ;D

2008-06-28T16:27:00.000-05:00

Its the day that never ends! I swear, I feel like I've been up since freaking tuesday, and yet its only been since 0910. I know this because I had to wake Rob up to head to work.

Thomas has kept me running all freaking day. Not literally "running" but I may have well been. Went swimming straight off. And when I say swimming, I don't mean splash around a little bit and giggle about it. I mean mama's hair is going grey as the little tiger jumps right into the deep end of the side of the pool, counting on his water-wings to keep him afloat. OMG... I could only take about 40 minutes of that before I felt the heart attack coming on and we headed home.

There my little monster managed to cover himself head to toe in dum dums and tapioca pudding. I am still terying to figure that one out. That can only mean one thing... Bathtime!!! One of Thomas' favorite times of the day. Once he was satisfactorally (sp) cleaned, I let the little bogger run wild around the apartment, clad in only his opinions as I prepped lunch for the both of us.

Once lunch was ready, I put my child into a diaper and then his highchair in front of the tv (harry potter on hbo) and we ate. After a few minutes, I noticed he was really quiet, so I peeked around and saw him fast asleep in the chair (somehow sticky again). Quietly, I put him in the playpen and went back in the living room to clean up the lunch mess. However, Levi and Isis beat me to it, so there was nothing to clean.

As I went back into the room to catch a nap for myself, the mighty one awoke and begged me for attention.

That was four hours ago. We have 'vacumed' nearly evry corner of this apartment and chased the poor cats all the way to Japan and back (mental note: thomas likes wasabi). Rob is expected home within the hour and I am planning my escape to the grocery store as I type. It may just be a quick trip to the supermarket to the untrained observer, but to me: its a week in hawaii!!!

updates

2008-06-26T22:15:00.000-05:00

I am now less than two weeks from completing ALS and I couldn't be happier!! One reason: I will see my son MORE. I am out of the house by 0600 each morning and since Rob works at night and he has to be there before I get released for the day, Thomas spends the afternoon and evening at Grandma's. By the time they get home each night I am already in bed. So I see my son on weekends. Its pretty bad when I had more time with him as a shift-worker. I swear he gets bigger each week.

Speaking of Thomas, he is all over the palce now. He talks about everything and throws in his opinion wherever he can. He can point out my nose and tries to put my glasses on my face. I love him so much!!!

That's really about it. The hospital has "misplaced" my medical board paperwork, so I no longer know what's going on. Whatevr, I really don't care all that much anymore. I am 92% ready for either verdict. That's about all I can do at this point.

But I'm going to go lay down next to my son and just watch him sleep. He's that precious! Until later

rent in.... dallas???

2008-05-23T18:07:00.002-05:00

so, rob asked me to check out rent in teh dallas area today if i can. does this mean that he's actually been listening to me when i told him i would like to move closer to home should i have to seperate?? i think so.

it would be nice to be closer to family, esp if rob does decide to enlist, while going through this transition. no guarantee about it, but it would be great. close by to my parents and sissy. my family is a built in support group and i am so glad of that. i have met so many people that hate even talking about their families, let alone spend time with them. they complain about having to fulfill any kind of "obligation" towards their families by visiting them over holidays and vacations.

sure, i will vactaion away from my family, but when it comes to hiolidays, there is no one i would rather be with.

so, here's to hoping we can find somewhere near dallas that doesn't cost and arm and leg and there are good job oppurtunities for me there.

hooray for rob listening!!!

plans for my future

2008-05-22T19:00:00.002-05:00

talked to my captain today. he told me that from all the emails he has recieved regarding my board that things are not looking promising as far as staying in. because they beleive that i am not stable enough to handle deployment conditions and will need constant medical care for the rest of my life to remain stable than the military lifestlye is not for me.

basically, the air force has become a very strong deployment force. ergo, i can't deploy, they have no space for me. make room for someone who can deploy out.

there are no guarentees at this point, but its looking no so good for me. but the plus side, if it is truly deemed as a non- pre-existing condition, i could be medicdally retired and get all benefits, to include medical and pay.

so have started my list to plan for a mid-late august/early september seperation
1) clean apartment and have maintenance fix all leaky faucets, mold, blinds and whatnot
2) figure out what furniture can be downsized and sold. mainly the leather couch and chair, extra desks, futon frame and things along those lines. buy used furniture and set aside leftover money
3) talk to bro mullet about staying in teh church trailer park for a bit while we get back on our feet after i get out.
4) put together a resume and start job searching.
5) rob is talking to an army recuiter, so we may not lose any benefits after all if he decides to enlist.

and of course, pray...

i know whatever the decision is what God wants. i am already looking forward to being able to work more in the church while at ALS... maybe it will become a more permanent thing...

am trying really hard not to stress, but its hard not to. rob is talking to mike about helping us out more as far as bills go. basically i have put my foot down. mike either pays 1/3 of the average rent and bills and helps out as far as cleaning and groceries or he finds somewhere else to live. i am NOT going to support him if i dont have to. he works, he has money. he can poney up his share. that was the WHOLE purpose of having a roomie. this will also reduce about 80% of the arguments between me and rob. i like the sound of that.

thats really it. this stuff is going to come down quick once i get my results. and should they, for some reason, decided to keep me...

i will be moving by next march.

either way, my life is about to change big time. and i really belive that i should start prepping for life as a civilian.

one big plus to that... no more weight standards. i can lose and gain to my hearts content !!!! makes it much less stressful on me. dont get me wrong, i would LOVE to weigh less, but i hate that i HAVE to. i am happy being plus sized. i'm healthy and can run almost two miles easily. why do i have to look like barbie???

okay, seriously gotta run now.

Tchuss!

Medical Board (phase I) results

2008-05-21T23:01:00.003-05:00

went and met with the medical board lady today... had to sign the paperwork regarding my board. the keesler folks have requested the full on medical review panel which will take about 8 weeks from now i suppose. she gave me a narrative summary which basically boils down like so:

1) Military Impairment: marked. her condition carries the risk of sudden relapse to teh point of incapacitation and is not clinically compatible with the austere conditions of deployment.

2) Social/Industrial Impairment: defenite (what does that really mean???)

3) Line of Duty: yes (again, what does that mean?)

and the most important factor (in my opinion)

Existed prior to Service: no. Pre-existing symptoms do not equate to diagnosis of Bipolar II disorder as an adolescent

that last one makes it better on me should they chose seperation. if its deemed a non-preexisting condition (or something that could have been diagnosed before enlistement) then i have more chances of permanent retirement and all the perks.

The summary also does state that i am competent for pay and records, but not fit to deploy.

i am sooooooo confused.

will know in or around 8 weeks from now what the verdict is....

the jury is out

finally... somethings happening

2008-05-01T18:37:00.003-05:00

i have been in "procces" for my medical board since back in september or so. and i am finally going to see the legal consult about it monday. its just a questionairre thing i have to do in regards to my board, but it also indicates (to me) that something will happen soon. i have been watiing for over 6 months on this thing... most folks know yea or nay within two months...

keep praying that i am deemed stable enough to stay in.

<3
Michelle

parenting, easy... hah!!!

2008-04-23T05:28:00.002-05:00

i've heard the old adage "whoever says parenting is easy never had children" before, but i never understood it until last night...

I got home from work around 1530 (thats 330pm) and took thomas to the pool for about 30-45 minutes, where he tried to escape me, tip over his little boat, and drink pool water. When we got back to the apartment, i let him run around naked for a few minutes to air dry (boys seem to like being naked). After we got dressed, had our sippy cup and a handlful of cheerios, the fun began...

maybe i should have mentioned before that rob never put thomas down for his nap yesterday. my child had been up since 10am and here is was, quickly approaching 5pm and he had yet to sleep... around 515, he started screaming. we had no milk. tried to get him calm and into the stroller so we could walk to wally world and get some... no dice. so mike (the roomie) went out and got some. i was able to get him down, but he woke up about 20 minutes later with a poopie and screamed for a change... after that, he screamed for about an hour and a half. mike took him for a few minutes so i could get a bite to eat (before the cats got to my chicken) and i took him back afterwards. I fed him 2 containers of pinapple, a couple peices of taost, some more cheerieos and half a piece of chicken. he then took a cup of milk and almost fell asleep. we are at about 8pm now... he has been crying and screaming for nearly 3 hours already (with some breaks). i put him into bed thinking 'he just needs sleep now', but as soon as i left teh room, the "i'm dying of neglect" screams began. after about 5-10 minutes (io was praying he'd go back to sleep) i went in and grabbed him.

we settled down in the living room, him in the playpen, and me in the arm chair next to him and watched Juno (which had been playing already) and i played Maj-hong on my phone. Needless to say by 915pm he was finally conked out. so i picked him and his milk up out of the playpen and headed for my bed (i was not going to risk another meltdown) and we layed down together....

as soon as we hit the bed, he gave a little sigh (complete with baby sleepy grin) and snuggled right in next to me. rob came home about thirty minutes later, and thats how he found us.

needless to say, i will have to punch anyone who tries to tell me parenting is easy straight in the gonads... they dont need to be re-producing anyways, if that is their opinion...

growing up...

2008-04-18T21:10:00.002-05:00

gee... its been a while since i wrote anything in here. i dont really know why that is, i just dont write in here that often anymore....

today, we set up the toddler bed for thomas. we aren't putting him in it, but just getting him used to it for now. he even helped me assemble it... used a little screwdriver to 'screw' in the bolts. it was really cute. once we got the mattress on there he jumped up in it and did little 'happy circels' all around it giggling like a mad man. i think he likes the fact that he can get in and out of the bed by himself like a big boy. we are waiting until we can put up a baby gate across his doorway at night before we let him sleep in there during the night. but ww will let him do naptimes if he wants.

they grow up way to fast. i was standing there, looking at him doing his laps in teh bed, lying down in it, grabbing his teddy, blanket and bottle and just looking so grown up... i almost started crying. this time last year i was dreading going back to work after my maternity leave ended and getting used to him sleeping in the crib instead of playpen bassinet and now he has his own big boy bed. its surreal and everytime i watch him grow up i am aware of just how big the world really is through his eyes

hooray!!!

2008-02-23T14:54:00.001-06:00

we are now less than a month away from thomas' first birthday... i cannot believe how fast its gone!!!

trip to the zoo planned, followed by BBQ and cake at grandma's house.

did i mention that he now walks when he thinks we are not looking.

my child rocks!!

thomas' "habits"

2008-01-29T05:13:00.000-06:00

thomas has two new, lets call them, "habits" now. both are adorable and precious and beuatiful and all that in their own right, but after a while start to grate my nerves and i have to set back take a deep breath and pray for patience wtih my young son, because i know deep down its not really his fault that he does what he does. he is little and learning and the world can be terrifying.

Habit #1: we have discovered the drop the toy and have mommy pick it up game... it gives him the giggles and gives me a little strain in my back. but at the same time i love that little mischevious look on his face as he sticks that little fist out, looks at me, waits for me to dare him to drop it, looks down at the ground, then releases his missles. he then looks back at me as if to say "well, aint ya gonna pick it up?" its too cute, and my back muscles are defn getting stronger from it. and after the 50th drop or so, i just keep reminding myself that this is all part of his development... thomas is now learning cause and effect. and how to make mommy do his bidding

Habit #2: Scream like a banshee whenever i try to set him down to do anything. i love the attention i am getting from him, but lets face it... a girl needs some time to herself. lately he has become "mommy obsessed" and doesn't like to be away from me for any period of time when i am home. last night i even had to lay him in bed with me (something i swore i would never do) to get him to go to sleep because he was so terrified of being away from me. i did love having him curled up in my arms though. he just kept lying there staring at me. we had a beautiful night once i gave in. this is a very trying habit for me, but then when it seems like i can't take another second of it, i just think that in a few short years he's gonna be too big and too cool to hang out with his old mom so much. then he will make friends, and grow up and away. its part of life, so i am going to enjoy this while i have it.

other than that, he is great! getting diaper rash again, but some butt paste, baths and constant diaper changes is taking care of that little inconvienience. tooth #5 is on its way. the upper right canine. those teeth are just cute. i love baby teeth! so tiny and stuff. but just another reminder that my baby is quickly departing the baby stage. he is one step away from walking too.

its crazy, this time last year, i was seven months pregnant, and the size of a house. now i have this beautiful little man. not really a "baby" baby anymore. he feeds himself, helps me change his diaper, crawls around, talks to me, plays on his own and is nearly walking.

time sure flies when you're having fun

confusion is nothing new

2008-01-27T06:31:00.001-06:00

sometimes i just feel like i am expected to do everything... make the money, clean the house, take care of the child, cook the food, buy the food (to cook it), buy the clothes, change the litter box, walk the dog... not to mention... i still have to work out and lose the baby weight so that i am psysically fit to stay in the AF...

and to top it all off... i am bipolar and still trying to figure out my medications so that i can not feel so out of it all the time. one minute i am on top of the world, and the next i am spiralling into the pits of depression. only to be on top again ten minutes later. i am irritable and cranky because i dont know whats going on inside me and i want it fixed. i am tired because i cant ever fall asleep anymore, and when i do... my dreams are filled with horrible images, never anything happy. i just want to curl up in the corner and cry my eyes out right now and i really cannot tell you why, because even i don't know. my mind is a rollercoaster right now and i am just along for the ride!

with all that riding on me, i really feel like no one cares about what i want. its always about what they want from me. if i keep going like this without any help.. i will go compeletly bonkers and lock myself up in my room and eat ten gallons of ice cream while watching old heath ledger movies (sad) and muttering oncorrehently about the little green men coming to get me. it will be fun, and a well needed break from reality!

stolen moments (the poem)

2008-01-15T05:49:00.000-06:00

Stolen moments
~Michelle E Clark

Tiny hands start reaching,
Grabbing this and that
Tiny feet start walking
Stepping here and there
Taking you further from me

I take a moment late at night
As the day's madness ebbs away
Watch you sleep so soundly
My heart forever breaking
Knowing you’ll leave one day

I steal a kiss in silence
Am rewarded with your sigh
Tomorrow, son I promise
We’ll rock together
And I will sing you off to sleep

Stolen moments together,
A rare and precious jewel
Time moves by so quickly
Before I know it you’ll be grown
Once again, my heart will break

stolen moments

2008-01-15T05:19:00.001-06:00

last night i rocked thomas for a good 45 minutes in his rocking chair in the nursery and he curled up against my chest in the fetal position and passed out. at that moment, i did not ever want to let him go. its so hard for me sometimes to understand a lot of things and to do things a "sane" person is able. i get irritated easily and my child suffers for it, because i get tired and then can't sleep. i dont have the energy to play with him that i would like. and i hate myself for getting frustrated at everything.

but those stolen moments with him make up for every bad day i have ever had or ever will have. i can't believe at how much he's already grown. its just so unfair. i want him to stay my baby forever.

then, as soon as i went to put him in the crib, he woke up and i grabbed him and his teddy, sat down in the chair again. i rocked my sweet baby boy, sang him a song or two and cried out of pure happiness as i gazed down on him.

what the %#$?

2008-01-07T05:10:00.000-06:00

okay so who cares? she finally went off the deep end and now everyone is saying what we have all been saying this whole freaking time... she's bipolar. what really gets my goat is an article i saw about it, saying that bipolar disorder is a psychological disease. hello! it so is not! it even goes on to quote some whack job "expert" who says, and i quote "When a person has this kind of problem, it's very hard for them to be a good parent. The main thing is for the person to go through treatment and recover ... But they generally have to hit bottom in order to turn around and recover"

okay... here are some little known facts for those of you who may not know me very well.
1. I am bipolar (on the deppressive side)
2. I am a damned good mother to my son
3. I have never hit bottom

okay, i did attempt suicide 4 years ago, but that was back when i was told i was 'borderline personality' and being treated with the wrong medications. they got me on the right stuff now and i can take care of myself.

its true that if you dont get help you can go crazy, but just because a person is bi-polar doesn't not mean that they are not fit to be parents or that they have some sort of disease. i take offense to that statement and that article.

so f-you people magazine. f-you!

heres to you 2008!

2008-01-03T22:05:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year's to one and all. hoping that everyone has had a better one than mine is already turning out. it will get better, because i say it will. and gosh darn it, that tricky ole devil cant keep this girl down!

about ten minutes to midnight, thomas woke up and decided he was UP and ready to count down the new year with mommy and daddy, so we brought him into our room with us, where he jumped from side to side on our big ole bed grinning from ear to ear and talking up a storm, just so happy to be with us. thirty minutes after that ball dropped, i was tired, so rob and thomas went into the living room and i passed out.

cut to the following afternoon. its freezinf cold out, wind is blowing. we are having a 'family day' and just running around, pricing kitchen tables (since we dont have one) and looking around at the outlet mall. when low and behold, i trip over the invisible ledge on the uneven sidewalk there and twist my ankle and knee. i fall into the stroller i was pushing and nearly dump my poor child out onto the sidewalk with me. the trip was not my fault, its the sidwalk... it wasn't made right... the one slab was an inch taller than the slab next to it and i didn't see it. so now, i have a 'strained' ankle and a pulled tendon or whatnot-mah-do in my knee. should be better by monday when i am supposed to start running with the captain to help get me ready for my PT test in 2 weeks.

today, went to the dentist... just to check out the progress on how my gums where healing. "what's that? a bump in the back that will interfere with the crown process... we cant have that. here, sit back little lady, this will only take a few seconds." he was right of course... it only took a few seconds, but yet again, i have an aching sore in my gums, but this time no vicodin to help me out.

and yet these are trivial little things because i have a beautiful son who i absolutely love. and a husband that i fall in love with again each morning. so whats a torn ligament and sore gum when i have the most amazing men in my life. not to mention the love of my father and his son.

so take that mister devil man!

Christmas cheers

2007-12-28T14:09:00.021-06:00

Christmas was a huge success in the Clark household. Thomas loved all of his presents and could not believe his good fortune of getting so many things on one day. I have to say that my son is officially spoiled rotten. He squealed with delight over so many things, which made me so freaking happy!!! Rob woke me up at 0500 to do breakfast and presents (apparently thomas had been up since 0230) i dont know how, but my child knew it was Christmas morning. i just dont get it... after we did the gifts and ate breakfast, thomas got in a little nap and rob and i cleaned up the living room a bit. we then loaded ourselved up and headed over to the armory where thomas became the youngest Salvation Army volunteer as we made dinner for homeless and less forunate. it was fun.

after we were done there, we went over to grandmas where thomas got spoiled even more by grandma and his aunt mel and uncle james. so many toys, mama now has to find room for them all in our little apartment. but he is so worth them all, and he loves them all too.

i just cant get over how big he's getting now. he stands up on his own, and on the day after christmas, he took his first half step. he is only 9 months old. how time flies. he prefers to stand all the time now too if he can... no more sitting for thomas michael... no sirree! his front two teeth up top are coming in now too, so that will make four in his teeny little mouth.

thats really about it for now. will post more when i think of more. took my psych personality test today and my med board will come through the end of May. keeping my fingers crossed that they deem me sane enough to stay in the AF b/c i really do love it after all.

gum surgery updates...

2007-12-12T22:34:00.000-06:00

so... my surgery last week was a huge success! i was high off of vicodin for the majority of my recovery time, so i really was in no condition to type. am now ready for my crown (once the gums are fully healed) and my smile is more "ideal". its still really wierd to run my tongue along my front teeth and not run into gums... i have normal shaped teeth, not chiclets anymore... its freaking awesome!!!

things are going great though. am glad to be done with the vicodin. it really screwed me up, emotionally... totally interfered with my mood stabilizers all week. it was insane. i would go from mad woman, angry at the world, to crying at nothing, to laughing, to complete euphoria, to plans for the bedroom/living room in a matter of 5-10 minutes. i think everyone was unhappy with me. the only one who was eager to be near me was thomas, and that was because i could NOT be in a poor mood around that child.

13 days to xmas... have no idea what to get rob. bills need to be paid first though, then i will get gifts. i was hoping for thomas' first to be a big one, but it will be fairly small. we have a couple things already, and his things are the important ones.

thats really about it. i'm bored, ready to go home. want to go to bed. we are gonna try to take family pics tomorrow before i go to work if we can.

chuess!

long, overdue updates

2007-12-03T17:12:00.000-06:00

thanksgiving was awesome!!!! thomas was totally spoiled rotten by everyone and is now bored at home without mom and my sisters there to hold him every second of every day. i have been hold up at home the last three days with a little cold and am just now able to breathe and fight again. thank God for nyquil... thats all i got to say bout that.

i go under the knife again tomorrow morning. getting my gums sliced up this time. basically, my back molar is flush with the gumline and causing serious issues. i need to get a crown on it and they need to cut the gum back before they can do it. since they are going to do that already, i am having them cut back a couple mm on the front teeth up top so that all you see of my teeth when i flash ya my pearly whites from now on is... well... my pearly whites. no more gummy grinning from this broad.

things are getting better on the homefront. finances are tight, but we are catching up on our bills. should be completly caught up come the top of the year. i so cannot wait for that one!!! in the last two months, i have paid off three big debts and am looking to have at least two more paid off come end of february. that would be stellar!

my med board paper-work has begun. i should know come mid-april, early may wether or not the air force thinks i am mentally stable enough to stay in. should they choose to keep me, i will be class "C" and have to stay conus the rest of my career... no overseas, no deployments, no fun... but i will at least have a paycheck. keep that in your prayers

thats really bout it from here in biloxi. its boring for me. thomas is fun though. i love him. he is awesome. cruising all over the place. i am so gonna have fun when he starts walking.

love peace and chicken grease yall. im out!

Starbucks Oracle

2007-11-16T06:35:00.001-06:00

just had to share this... apparently my chai tea lattes say i am fairly stuck up... i found the starbucks oracle website and this is what he has to say about me:

Beverage: Grande Chai Tea Latte
Personality type: Pseudo-intellectual
You're liberal and consider yourself to be laid back and open minded. Everyone else just thinks you're clueless. Your friends hate you because you always email them virus warnings and chain letters "just in case it's true." All people who drink grande chai tea latte are potheads.
Also drinks: Sparkling water
Can also be found at: Designer grocery

...now to break it down... some of this is true. i do consider myself laid back and open minded. not too sure about the liberal though, but i do have 6 tattoos and i want more. i believe in freedom of speech and the freedom of choiec (i would choose life). some may say i am clueless because i have no common sense but i try very hard to be well educated. i dont talk about a subject unless i know something on it. and... i hate chain emails and only every once in a while send them back... i have NEVER, EVER touched pot! not once in 23.5 years and i dont intend on it. and what's wrong with sparkling water...

damn, i am stuck up...

so, now my challenge is for you to go and figure out what the oracle says about you and reply back to me. i want to know. please??? i am so bored and its fun.

4 more days!!!

2007-11-15T05:14:00.000-06:00

only a few more days until we are on the open road home!!! i am uber excited for this!!! one, i need the down time and two... i just want to hug my mommy! am excited about my dad and sisters too, but this girl wants her mommy right now and its been too long since shes gotten a hug from her. i can see it now....

...we get out of the car, weary from a ten hour drive with a newly crowned eight month old (he will be exactly eight months monday). our bodies and minds exhausted, we will grab the child and i will turn to my mother for my hug and she will grab my son from me and run off. my sisters clamour after her arguing over who gets to hold him next as i try to wipe off the smell of spit-up and baby food from my clothes. then slowly i follow them, leaving poor rob to have his cigarette in the now quiet driveway with dad and bring in all the luggage...

i have such an overactive imagination and i love it!!! i changed the oil in the car, and by that i mean, i changed it... not wal-mart or jiffy lube or anything... little ole me did it! hah! women rock! tires have air. car is cleaned out and ready to be packed with all sorts of baby goodies. will wash it and vacuum it out saturday before packing it up sunday.

in other news... got an "A" in psych... so my 4.0 GPA stands for now. start human growth and development after the holidays. in january i switch to online online since we are losing a body at work and its easier on the scheduling if i just do it that way.

no other news going on really. i work, work out and play with thomas. he almost said "hi" yesterday, so i am waiting. everything is "mama" and he is starting to really hone in on the fact that i am the one and only "mama" for him, so i love it. his face lights up everytime he sees me and my heart melts for him all over again...

i really need to work now, so i am gonna sign off!
peace out yo!

on the up and up

2007-11-02T02:15:00.000-05:00

so... rob and i had a long talk the other night and i think things are starting to look better. there are still a LOT of things to work out, but now that we are trying to communicate without yelling and getting angry at each other, i am hoping conditions will improve. things have always moved fast in our relationship and i think sometimes we forget that we have to slow down and enjoy the now. we both have a lot of maturing and growing up to do. we're still really young (me 23, him 27) and have a ton of immature ways of going about things. the last week has been so rough on both of us that i had been considering seperation. i dont want that to ever happen, but neither of us were really happy anymore, and thats never a good thing.

so we sat down and hashed things out. some issues i have laid my foot down on in order for things to work:

5. no more going out alone. if you want to go out dancing or whatever (cause he loves to do that), then there has to be one other person with you. i hate it when you leave by yourself. it sets the wrong impression for a married man to be at a bar or club alone.

4. no more gambling. period. if i am not there and in control of your intake, you may spend money we dont have. i will occassionally give you 10-20 bucks to take to the casino, but the debit card stays at home. there will be NO NEGOTIATIONS on this one

3. all tips and money earned from Logans go straight to me as soon as you get home from work. You have made enough money to pay the bills the last few weeks, but spent it all again just as quick. so i get it as soon as you get home and will put it in the account only in my name here in the local area.

2. help out more around the house. dont do everything, but clean up after yourself and laundry goes in the laundry room. dishes go in the kitchen, not the rest of the house and the vacuum does work.

and the most important:

1. spend more time with thomas. a child needs interaction with his father. its so important to me for you to play with your son. you are gonna miss these years when thomas is older and locking us out of his room and life.

-------------- ---------------- --------------

and of course i had to make a few concessions, but most of the issues where from me not being able to tell rob how i was feeling. my biggest concession was to help out more as well, and we both have to work on the blame game thing. it is so easy to pass blame to someone else when you are in the wrong.

the important thing is that we are communicating now and trying to work things out. i dont want to throw away anything because i got mad at him one day out of many. marriage is not always easy and i keep forgetting that. i think we all forget that at some point in time. its easier to throw in the towel and just say "i quit" which i almost did a few times this last week. but its so much more worth it to work it out.

the above pic is thomas halloween. he was a punk rocker. no trick or treating though. he's a little too small for it i think.

--------- ----------------- ------------------- ----------------

i just found this quote on relationships, and i love it... its so true

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing." ~ Anais Nin

go figure eh?

2007-10-29T19:54:00.000-05:00

I LOVE TO RUN!!!!

go figure... i never thought that i would ever utter those words, but there they are... in plain sight. i went to do my first PT session since my procedure and didn't know what to expect. everytime i have ever run my entire life my chest hurt. today it didn't. i got winded quickly becuase i am out of shape, but MY CHEST DIDN'T HURT!!!! i am starting off like a newbie. walk/jog for a couple weeks, slowly increasing the time i jog/run and decrease the time i walk until i can run solid for 30-40 minutes at a time. during that time period i will continue to walk, do the ellipitcal and stationary bike. i think i may try the spinning class to in a week or two, once i am in the swing of things again. hopefully i can maintain this new love and it will help me lose weight.

yippee! you cant understand how good it feels to be able to say i can run without hurting anymore (other than your basic out of shape pains).

God bless us everyone!!!

updates and crap

2007-10-27T12:00:00.000-05:00

so... my ablation went great!!!! they found the malfunctioning circuit and burned it off. i am now in top shape. well as good as i can be right now. am now in a good position to be able to work out again. yippee for me!!! i am sooo freaking happy. i can walk without feeling an extra skip in my chest. no hard thuds when i shower, no dizziness when i walk up the stairs. my metabalism is now starting to be what it was always supposed to be and i find i have more energy. i WANT to do things now!!! i can carry my baby around and not feel faint. OMG i am healthy! it doesn't feel like i am about to have a freaking heart attack any more. and go figure... the sharp pain in my right arm has suddenly disappeared... hmmmm... i wonder why.... there is still a teeny chance of it returning, but i dont think it will. i have spent my life feeling faint and off, and now... i feel great. will start a running program on monday. alternating walking/running the first couple weeks until i can just run. i have never felt better!

thats really about it. am just happy it went well! thomas is great. says "mama" now... not really to me, just in general... everything is mama... but its his first word and i am over the moon about it!

rob is figuring things out. i had to lay down my foot the other day and he now has to decide whats more important... working his part time job and not helping me around the house while gambling away money we dont have or his wife and son. i pray he choses the latter. but its not up to me. he has stepped up to the plate for now, but i wonder if he can stay there. i really hope that he can. for my part... it would be rough, but i know i could manage. i dont want to go there though. i meant my vows. i just wonder if he really did sometimes. and if maybe we rushed into this too quickly. mom... if you're reading this... you were right... can we just leave it at that?

but life goes on. am excited for turkey day. told rob that if we are hard up on money, i may just go myself. this is my only chance to see my parents and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents this year. all the leave for xmas is already taken. thomas and i are going. rob may stay here and work straight through and get some of those bills paid off. the time apart could be a good thing too.

well. that went from awesome crap to downer so i will leave you with this bit of trivia to ponder... according to all the birth charts and whattnot...

thomas should have been a girl...

its a good thing i dont go for those old wives tails eh?

baby signs and more

2007-10-19T11:52:00.000-05:00

we are starting baby sign now with thomas. this should be a ton of fun. i am eager to see how he reacts to it. just have to try not to get over eager and expect him to be signing right back to me immediatly. luckily for me, i took asl in high school, so i remember some of the basics. and all i really need to do is use them constantly around him. will more than likely be using them in general though after a while. its what i did in hs and i know it drove my mom bonkers!

rob's friend mike is moving in with us tomorrow. it should be fun. his plane gets in tomorrow night in New Olreans so we are gonna go down there to pick him up. rob has been busy getting the house (and mike's room) cleaned up before he gets here. at least he is actually cleaning for once. that makes me happy.

thomas is trying to walk now. he keeps pulling himself up and taking a few steps while holding onto the furniture then falls down gives a little giggle and tries again. you gotta love his persistance! sometimes he falls wrong and starts to cry, but as soon as mommy picks him up he quits. little theatrical dontchya think?? but i still loves it.

my ablation is monday. i am scared. think i wouldn't be human if i wasn't. but yeah... am a bit freaked out. i mean there are so many things that could happen. they won't, but they could. and that thought terrifies me to no end!

in one month i will be on my way home. yippee! one more month and i get to see my mom and dad and my sisters again. i so cannot wait. i have been looking forward to this all year! i need to go home more. its harder on me to do this once or twice a year thing now that i am only 10 hours away (by car). its like 2 by plane. argh!

okay, so i have been up for nearly 12 hours after having gotten only 2 hours of sleep, so i may not be making any sense right now. so will sign off for now. but beware... i shall return!

Choices

2007-10-14T07:12:00.000-05:00

i have been thinking a lot lately (i know, i should be careful doing that) about what i really want to do with my life. is the military really where i want to be 10 years from now, wondering if they are going to deploy me away from my family? or is it time for me to look into another venture? i have looked into the possibility of getting out next summer or the summer after and maybe going back home to Austin. there i would probably apply for the postal service and do that while going to school. i chose the postal service b/c they pay fairly well and the benefits are great. i can handle that. the most important thing to me is taking care of my family. and that seems to be the only reason for staying in. and honestly, thats not good enough.

dont get me wrong. i love the military and i love what i do. but i dont love being treated like 2nd class because of my weight and inability to have a smaller waist. i dont love knowing that i could deploy (which i would do in a heartbeat if i was tasked) and be seperated from my husband and son for 4-6 months. i dont love being depressed because of these reasons. with my being bi-polar and leaning in on the deppressive side, i have to wonder if staying in is really best for my mental health. i wonder if i would be better on the "outside".

i suffer from no delusions of sunny days and happy times outside the military. but the extra stress thats been on me to lose weight will be gone, which in turn will help me feel better about myself. cause right now, its hard to have a positive self-image when i am being told i am fat (basically). i know there is stress out there, which is why i want to go home if i get out. my mom and dad are there. not to mention my sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. the whole family. its the perfect support group for me. and that is what i need. rob is great as a support group, but i need more.

this is something i will have to continue to pray on. i will call life skills tomorrow and try to get in with my psych to update my meds and see what he thinks about all this. they are doing a review board anyways next summer to see if the AF is best for my mental health. maybe they can move it up if i chose. i really want things paid off first though. thats the only problem. we need money. we have no money. i have to have a job.

its a cold, vicious cycle, and at the end of it, i am tired and beaten. i just want to curl up and go to sleep, and when i wake know that everything will be okay.

but when is everything truly okay?

only 41 more days to Turkey Day!!!

2007-10-13T08:20:00.000-05:00

its a little over a month until we go home for turkey day, but i am already so freaking excited!!! started to write out "the checklist" of items we will need to pack so i am not running around and forgetting things then. already it looks like thomas wins when it comes to who will need the most stuff. if we decide to take all food from home, we will need just 20 jars of baby food alone, not to mention the formula, bottles, cereals, bowls, spoons, bibs and little snacks. yeesh. we may just pack like 10 jars and buy food there. its not expensive or anything. then there is the playpen, stroller, bumbo, clothes, diapers, wipes, blankets, clothes and toys. all i need is a couple changes of clothes and my makeup. its craziness! ah well... i dont care. but this is why i am writing out my list now. i can spend the next month figuring out just how much we really need of everything...

my surgery has been pushed back a week to the 22nd instead of the 15th, so no catheters until then. but still, not bad at all. still getting done this month and THAT is what truly matters. can i hear an amen??

went to the dentist yesterday and will have to get a crown on the back tooth... and in order to do that they will have to do a crown lengthening surgery where they cut back my gums. so i went ahead and asked them to cut my gums all the way around since they are overgrown anyways. and as long as they are going in there for one part of the gumline, why not get all of it. it can be listed as preventative surgery b/c the overgrown gums provides a breeding ground for bacteria and makes me more succesptible to gingivitus. but its really a cosmetic thing. getting my gums cut back will make my teeth look longer and my smile more open.

thats really about it. just trying to get things figured out for our trip home. i sooooo cannot wait. neither can thomas, although he really has no idea what mommy is so excited about. but lets pretend shall we? if i can fit it, i am taking my computer back for papa to look at too. hes the greatest!

peace out yo!

Almost another news story...

2007-10-09T17:29:00.000-05:00

my baby saved me from getting abducted last night...

this is a completely serious story. i went to go pick rob up from work last night. and instead of parking in the back part of the parking lot, something in the back of my mind told me to park right up front. so i listened to it and went against my usual routine and parked right up front and center. i could see all the little waiters and waitresses inside Logans doing cleanup. turned off the lights so as not to blind them, but kept the car running and called rob to let him know we were just gonna wait outside cause it was 11pm and thomas was passed out asleep in the backseat.

well about 1130 or so, thomas starts to fuss, so momma runs around to the backside of the car to console him. i am standing there, holding his teeny little hand and singing silly songs to him about wise men and foolish men and where they build their houses. this car pulls up next to me and i first think, "okay, one of the other waiters spouses here to give them a ride"... guy opens his door, gets out of his car and asks me to look at his brake lights and tell him if they are broken. He is ~6'2" brown hair, short beard (kinda scraggly) wont guess weight, but about average build i'd say. i back up, keeping my front to him... all my instincts are telling me not to turn my back... i see that his brake lights are fine and tell him so. at this point the guy is halfway to me, he sees my baby and starts mumbling something, cant tell what it is. he runs up to the Logans window, sees all the people inside and books it outta there. he takes off so fast, i have no time to write down his car type or license plate number. i am too freaked out to make note of anything really. and it wasn't until later when i think "wait, if his brakelights werent working, he should have been in the car for me to check them."

Thank you God!!!
Thank you for my son being in the car
Thank you for frightening that man away
Thank you for making me park right up front
Thank you for keeping me safe last night.

The one good thing from that incident was it helped me come to a realization about my rape... it really wasn't about me... it was about that sicko. he was looking for the right person at the right time. That night i was the right person, and it was the right time for that particular preditor.... last night i wasn't... it really opened up my eyes.

once again... Thank you God!

i am watching the news. should something happen in this area... some girl come up missing, i will call the police immediately and tell them what happened to me and maybe it will help. right now though, the only person it helped is me

look out... he's mobile!

2007-09-27T04:44:00.000-05:00

so i now have a date for my ablation... october 15th. will go in at 0700 that morning and get going. hooray for me! am not going to lie here. i am scared of what may happen, but i also have this faith (and am still not sure of where it comes from sometimes) that God will take care of me and all will be fine. so even though i am terrified of having minor heart surgery, its that faith that keeps me going, "fahget about it... you're gonna be fine". an ya know what??? i aint listening to the devil on this one. i KNOW that the good Lord will get me through it. end of story.

my mom may be coming to visist the weekend after also. not to see me of course, but that adorable baby boy of mine. she hasn't seen him since the weekend after he was born, and by then it will have been 7 months. he has changed quite a bit since then. i cant wait! i love my mom!!!!!

thomas is great. apparently he started crawling when i was having my IUD inserted yesterday. rob got video of it on his camera for me, but i missed it. that makes me sad and he has yet to crawl for me cause we got his shots after that and he was a bit perturbed the rest of the day. but i will see him do it today, i am sure of.

thats about it really. those first two teeth are nearly in and he has resigned himself to the fact that they are there. they are so teeny tiny and cute! mommy loves them. he sits up on his own and now crawls. he holds his bottle when its time to eat (75% of the time). and he giggles and throws his arms up for me to pick him up as soon as i walk in to see him in the morning. my baby is already a little man. its so hard to see, but so exciting at the same time. i am eager to see what kind of person he turns into as the years progress.

heres a new image... just so everyone can see how much he's changing

thomas loves playing in the grass at grandmas house!!!

tropical storm or no tropical storm....

2007-09-20T18:44:00.000-05:00

here i sit... seven at night. waiting for the aircraft to evacuate. this system is still only a "potential tropical storm", but the hurricane hunters are taking no risks with it and heading out. cant say that i blame them, but for the fact that i am going to be at work late tonight because of it. blah on you unnamed, unformed tropical disturbance in the gulf of mexico... a pox on you!

but i dont really mind. it gets me out of the house for a while. not that i hate being at home or anything, but thomas has his first teeth coming in. and i mean teeth, not tooth. i thought it was supposed to be one at a time, but when i look in his mouth it seems like both his lower teeth are trying to puch their way in. my son is not happy. therefore momma is not happy. and as everyone knows, if momma aint happy, aint nobody happy. its a great little circle of unhappiness in our little world right now. not to mention his entire body is broken out in a rash right now, which does NOT make him any more comfortable.

went in for his 6 month checkup today and (other than the teething and rash) he is perfectly healthy. 27 inches long, so that makes him in the 75th percentile and larger than most, but weighing in at 17.1 lbs and in the 50th percentile, about average. so all in all... my kid is big... but i dont care. i loves him anyways! they gave us a topical steriod for the rash, so i hope it works and some suggestions for helping us through the cutting of the teeth. (i pray its soon) more tylenol too, so he can sleep easier at night, cause right now hes in so much pain he's up every two hours. poor little turkey ;(

thats really about it. i have no life. i need to get one. anyone have one for sale they are not using? i still need to be able to have my son and husband along with it though... nope... oh well, thought i'd ask. my weight is almost below 190 now btw... am at 190

oh yeah that reminds me... got a big fat 0 on my pt test since they only measure my wasit right now. and since i am not allowed to run or do push up and situps because of my heart, its kind of hard for me to get my waist down to 32 inches. but whatever, noone here is stressing it, so neither am i. it will get there. i have lost 25lbs and 3inches in the past 2 1/2 months and thats what really matters.

love peace and chicken grease yall. its time for some grub!

britney spears...

2007-09-14T04:47:00.000-05:00

i dont care if she flubbed her routine.
i dont care that she was 'fat' (which for the record, i think she looks awesome for someone who has two kids under the age of two).
i dont care that people think that her career is about to be flushed down the tube.
what i do care about is her personal well being.
why do people pick and pick at a celebrity until there is nothing left?
this poor girl is obviously hurting and in need of someone to just reach out and pick her up.
her mental health is in need of repair,
she needs a vacation,
she needs time alone with her family
and she needs to be away from the media and scrutiny.
but its never going to hapen.
as someone who has bipolar disorder and a borderline personality disorder i can tell you that she has more going on than what meets the eye.
no one wants to read into the situation.
its easier for us to judge our 'idols' and cast them aside than to reach out to them and show them our support.
i know that this will never been seen by britney or anyone else really, but its important to remember.
YOU are someones britney spears.
they may idolize you today and you will love them for it.
set a good example for them.
show everyone love, no matter who they are...
the rich or the poor
the celebrity or the next door neighbor.
because you never know when you are going to need that shoulder to cry on.
and do you really want that shoulder to turn away from you
because you have always turned yours away those that needed it?

Catheter Ablation

2007-09-07T07:51:00.000-05:00

so... on tuesday we went all the way to new orleans so i could see the heart dr there. that was a fun trip... we decided to go down there early so we could take our lil man to the aquarium. lemme tell ya. thomas love, love LOVED the darned thing! he slept the hour and a half it took to drive up there, so by the time we unpacked the stroller and got him in it, he was wide awake and ready to go...

the minute we walked into the aquarium, he was hooked... his face was filled with awe. mama loved making her baby that happy. those fish were like 50 times his size, but he loved watching them swim around their tanks. we even saw the penguins getting fed, so they were more active than usual and that was cool. all in all, that was great. we got thomas his own little stuffed turtle afterwards that he lovingly named "heie augh" to remember the trip.

then came my part... we went to the river walk to quickly eat lunch... (note: never eat chinese food from a mall in new orleans... yicky) and had to get a bottle into thomas as well before he popped a lung screaming at us. once we did that, we loaded everything back into the car and headed out to find Oshners. and boy was that an adventure!

halfway to the hospital, thomas started crying and a foul stench betook my nostrils... oh yeah... doody time. great. my appt was in like 10 minutes and we still had no idea where we were. rob hit the gas pedal.

we finally find the place and get ourselves a decent parking spot in the parking garage and as rob goes to get the stroller, i undertake the task of getting the turkey out of his carseat... one small problem though... that stench i mentioned earlier... turns out it had been a doody bomb! leaked straight out the diaper, so i had rob change him while i wiped down the car seat. forget being on time for my appt now... my sons hygiene is more important.

once we get into the hopsital, i have to go in and get and ekg... that takes all of 2 minutes... easy part... then i sign in for my dr appt itself. the waiting room is full of the elderly. i really dont belong here. but whatever. after waiting only like 5 or 10 minutes, they call my name, so in we go. height, weight, blood pressure, and temperature. fun times had by all. take a list of all meds i am on and then the nurse tells me the dr will be with me shortly and he is with another patient. okay, cool then... we can wait then. nurse leaves. thomas starts to fuss realizing that he should now be the center of attention. rob makes a balloon out of a glove and amuses said child. he really is spoiled rotten.

after 30 minutes of waiting, the dr comes in and asks that age old question, "so, how are you today?"... are you kidding me??? why do they always ask that question? after a few minutes of getting my history i have been having with this heart thing, he tells me what i already know in that i have SVT, or SuperVentricular Tachyardia... basically, there is a group of cells in my heart that is overriding my natural pacemaker causing my HR to be extrememly high at times.

my options at this time are down to medications and surgery... the meds aren't helping. so am waiting to hear from the nurse on a date for this 'procedure'. what they are going to do is knock me out and then take a catheter in through my thigh. this will be floated up to my heart. once it gets up there, they will gets my palpiatations going to try and find the cells. from there they will burn the cells and badda-bing-- i am cured!

now there are some risks involved...
1:600 chance of death (i have decided that aint gonna happen)
1:100 chance they will accidentally burn the wiring for my natural pacemaker and have to put in a pacemaker (not the end of the world... there have been gold medalists with pacemakers)
1:20 chance of not being able to bring on the palpitations (not likely b/c of the frequency i have been having them)
...and they can also prick the walls of my heart, which would cause bleeding, but either the heart will heal itself right away or the surgeon will have to drain the excess bleeding until the heart heals itself.

but all-in-all, the whole procedure should take anywhere from 4 hours to more, depending on where the cells are located. i will more than likely stay overnight, and then i am free to go home the next day. rob and thomas will be going with me. i am praying that they call me soon. i really cant go much longer with not being able to exercise.

but heres to it! go me! this is something that has been bothering me off and on since i was a teen, and it is finally getting taken care of

cut, print, check the tape. lets do it again!

New Pics of Thomas

2007-09-01T08:20:00.000-05:00

thought i would throw these in here... my baby is getting so big!!! I loves it i loves it i loves it!!!!!!! hoping to have him crawling here soon. caught him on his hands and knees the other day, so heres to it...

we love our green beans!

whatchya looking at??

napping with daddy... shhh...

passed out with oinky in our pack-n-play

playing piano

trying to crawl, but not going anywheres...

the kitty stole my new highchair...

i like to feed myself...

do you mind???

I cant believe that he is gonna be 6 months old this month already. its too soon. i mean, can it really be going by that quickly??? for crying out loud, i just gave birth to him, i swear it. but whatever... i digress...

rob and i are going to his sisters for dinner tonight to celebrate both our anniversaries... her hubby is grilling up steaks and stuff... yummers!!

i cant really think of anything, so am gonna run for now and actually work or something. my weight is down to 192 now, so i am happy! whoo-hoo. go me. i rule.

Question of Faith...

2007-08-26T21:17:00.000-05:00

so, we are headed off to church this morning, already running like ten minutes behind, when we come upon the dumpster in the apartments. and what should be sitting next to said dumpster you are asking???? slightly used baby gear... a graco high chair that is in better condition than the rusty, torn one we bought for 12 bucks at the flea market, a Laugh & Learn Learning Home, a Learn & Groove musical Table and a push along walker thing-a-ma-bobber... so, rob and i jump out of the car and check it out. the stuff is in great condition, so we grab it up oober quick and run it home. yes, i am a dumpster diver. (hide head in shame) but it had a sign that said free, i will not let thomas play or use it until i have disenfected it, and its in great condition. all of the stuff together is worth around $200 and i paid nothing... nada... zilch...

so... now laugh at my dumpster diving.

we starting tithing again a few weeks ago and even though i have been unsure about it, i have remained faithful, and here is evidence of it. these are not things we "need" per se, however, the high chair that we currently have was rusty, looked like it had been looted from Katrina and made me nervous when i put thomas in it. so seeing a much better quality one for free put me into better spirits.

well, suffice it to say, we didn't make it in time for sunday school, so we made a pit stop at the Dollar general next door to the church and what do i run across, but a convertible car seat (made by the same manufactuers as the one currently in my car) for $40. robs mom has been looking for an inexpensive car seat like ours for her car, cause the one shes using right now sucks. we are all uneasy about it when she puts thomas in her car. we paid $160 for the car seat in my car, and she is getting one for $40 for her car....

more evidence of God helping us out... I like to think so.

so... even though rob is now making 200-300 less a week than he was with DirectTV two months ago, we are somehow still surviving and thomas still has all that he needs and more, and there is only one person i can thank for that...

my faith has waivered A LOT and i still have a loooooooooooooooong way to go, but things are starting to turn around for me and i am trying to get my life back on the track HE wants me on.

no clue

2007-08-25T22:09:00.001-05:00

so... my 2 year anniversary is a week from tomorrow....

we have little to no money, and a 5 month old.

last year for our first anniversary, we hit up Paris. i was 2 1/2 month pregnant and naseaus...

this year, i have to work from 6-2. then we have church. but robs mom is taking thomas for the night, then we are taking advantage of robs discount at Logan's Roadhouse and prolly head back home... (like i said, no money). but, just the two of us. and two years of wedded bliss. cant get any better than that.

but the real question...

what do i get the man???

post ori and thomas updates

2007-08-24T22:27:00.000-05:00

am soooo worn out. the ori is done as of today and everyone is finally breathing easy again. these past few months everyone has been walking on eggshells prepping for this damned thing, and now after a week of inspectors breathing over our shoulders, we can breathe easy again and move on with our lives...

okay... breathe in. deep breathe in. and now out. okay. relax.

good. lets move on. shall we?

had to take thomas to the er last sunday cause he fell out of bed. i left for work sunday morning and he was in the bed with rob. rob woke up at some point and thomas was on the floor. since we did not know what part of his body he fell on exactly, i freaked and said we were taking him to the er. the office had no issue with me taking off for a few to do so... (i was working an admin and wasnt missed). by the time the dr at the er got into seeing him, he had a nice little bruise on his forehead above his right eye. mama was glad that she took her baby into the hospital. dr said he saw no real damage and to just keep an eye on him, and bring him in should he show any signs of any significant damage.

but as of today, being friday, no signs of brain damage... alls well with thomas michael. still as active and healthy as ever. taking in those solids too. last night he ate up an entire container of sweet potatoes (gerber stage 1). he was still hungry, so i opened up green beans and he ate all of that.... still hungry after that, mama fed him 7 oz of formula and he was satisfied.

i am terrified of his teenage years.

and i want to have more boys...

better start stocking up some MRIs now

school, rashes and weight issues

2007-08-11T20:44:00.000-05:00

okay, so there is really not much going on in the life of michelle. i get up. i feed thomas. i work out (limited b/c of my heart). i entertain rob. i play with thomas. i work. i clean the house. and there are also meals in there as well. i am a very busy woman. my life is non-stop. what i need is a few days to just lay back and relax. dont think thats gonna happen anytime soon though.

things are well though. have completed my art appreciation class (with a 98%) and am getting ready to take a psych course for the fall term. am NOT taking any more than one class per term at this time, what with a new baby and all. just too much to ask of me. maybe later... once i am done with my shift work and my kid is in school. but by then i should be well on my way to having another child (or two), so maybe not...

thomas is well, but is suffering from his first diaper rash this week. poor baby. he's miserable. his poor butt and belly are just red. he keeps trying to roll over to attempt to crawl but as soon as he does, his diaper starts rubbing on that rash and he starts crying.

but in happy news, he has started eating rice cereal. which is prolly why hes got the rash to start with... but he likes it and its got him sleeping 8-9 hours a night, so i can deal. started him on the cereal last week, and so far, we are liking it!!!

i just wanna go home... two more hours... then i can go home, throw in a load of laundry, clean up the living room, unwind with a cup of tea, pretend to sleep for five hours, then repeat my day.

have i mentioned that i love my life??

the good news of the day...

i am FINALLY below 200lbs again... at 198 as of today... whoohoo! go me!!! only 53lbs to go!

Crazy... I'm Crazy!!!

2007-08-04T08:05:00.000-05:00

so... started taking my mood stabilizers this week. hopefully will notice some sort of difference in the coming week. you know its bad when you are having a breakdown in the middle of wal-mart because you just want to buy everything, or you are mad at your husband for no reason and dont know what he did to set you off. or when your baby starts crying and you do too because you dont know how to take care of him.

that my friends is why i am bipolar/borderline personality... there are other issues as well. my past alcohol/sexual abuse when i was in japan. my inability to be close to my husband even though i love him with all my heart. my difficulty sleeping. my sudden speech issues (when i have been an inate speaker since i was four). my irritability. my need for a clean house, but inability to clean it.

my life is in serious chaos. however, i am chosing to try and get control. the therapist rob and i are seeing for marital counseling is also going to help us with this as well. i just need to get approval from tricare. no problem there (i hope).

i am not as bad as i have been in the past, but i have also rid myself of many things that put me in bad places before (ie, alcohol). hopefully with the counseling and the medication i can lead a semi-normal life. bipolar persons will always have to take their medications, and in a year i will face a medical review board to determine if i am liable to the air force, since i am non-deployable on it.

so... here's hoping... i want to be the best person i can be... the best wife. the best mother. the best daughter. the best friend. i want to have more children in the future. in order to do that, i have to do this now... so here to me... may God help me stay faithful and true and not get too big for my britches

Faith and Tim Soul to Soul

2007-07-28T14:47:00.000-05:00

So.... i got an email last week. they were looking for volunteers to work the faith hill and tim mcgraw soul to soul concert that was last night. so, of course i volunteered... i love, love LOVE them both and the concert has been sold out for months already. i got to work crowd control and watch the concert from right in front on the floor. doesn't get much better than that!!!

after the concert, i was helping with tear down and was given one of tim's guitar picks... heck yes baby. then i was going to help with the disassembly of a set of lights, and walked right by this guy. i see the tatto "faith" on his arm and about 5 seconds after i pass him, my brain goes "holy shit, that was tim right there!!" but i was working, so i didn't go over and talk to him. faith was with him too.

omg, it was the greatest night of my life, aside from the night thomas was born and the night i got married. but i had so much fun. i got to see a 200-500 a seat concert and all it cost me was 5 hours of working. and 3 of them were watching the show.

I LOVE TIM AND FAITH.

didn't get any pics though... where i was at, everytime they came near, all i got was bright lights on my camera. but whatev... i saw tim and faith!!!

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

2007-07-22T05:56:00.000-05:00

NOTE: CONTAINS SPOILERS... DO NOT READ IF YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BOOK!!!

759 pages. 5 1/2 hours for me to read. best. book. ever. period! i could not put this one down... of course then again, i was unable to put any of them down. jk rowling did such an amazing job putting together this final harry potter book that i was hooked from page one. voldemort and his followers sitting there in the malfoy's dining room (i guess) and by page 7, murder one has been committed. no one any one really knew, but sad nonetheless. harry searches for the horcruxes with the help of ron and hermione, losing many good (and bad) people along the way.

in the final showdown, harry dies but finds himself in the deathly hallows and talks to dumbledore there. he returns to life by his own choice and kills voldemort (harry WAS a hurcrux afterall). ron and hermione finally kiss and harry gets back with ginny. however, mad-eye, hedwig, lupin, fred and dobby die, not to mention a few minor supporting characters as well. even ole snape goes in teh end (by voldemorts hand) and he is cleared of his muder of dumbedore (it was a settup between them).

all in all, the book was great. i think i cried through the whole damned thing. there is so much more to it, so go ahead and read it anyways. i actually read part of the end before i read much of teh beginning and still read the book. even though i knew how it ended, jk rowling had set it up for me, so that i wanted to read all the little tid-bits in between.

beyond words... am sooooo mad!!!

2007-07-21T12:53:00.000-05:00

so... like many floks out there i have been eagerly awaiting the release of the latest and final harry potter. i have had it on hold at barnes and noble for the last 2 months, and had plans to go out and pick it up at midnight last night...

however, instead rob decided to get hammered. i was unable to leave the house. i could not leave our 4-month old alone with him, nor could i leave him alone, seeing as how he was trampling through both ours and the neighbors apartment. at one point, he decided it was a good idea to pick up our son when he could barely hold himself up and i went balistic... luckily no one was hurt, his mom has thomas while i am at work today, and rob is sleeping it off. i will get my book once i get off and will go home and clean up the mess he made of my home last night.

rob also knows, should this happen again i will walk and take thomas with me. no looking back, no third chance. this is his one free pass.

on the other hand... thomas now wieghs 15lbs and is 25" long. thats a big ole boy. hes gonna be a big kid, i can tell already. he makes me so proud. i love that child so much!

so... life goes on, we all live, we all learn and we all throw pot roast at the chickens...

i dont know. got three hours of sleep last night. have no clue whats going on... three more hours!

echo results

2007-07-16T18:13:00.000-05:00

got the results from my echocariogram today... looks like there is defn something wrong with my heart. will go see the dr wednesday afternoon to find out where we go from this point. hopefully it will go well. am at that point where i just have to wait and see.

was supposed to go to als here in a couple weeks, but was denied because of my profile for my heart. this is something that is not going to go away anytime soon, and i hate that i am losing out on opportunities to further myself in my profession because of it. aargh!!!

rob and i are doing great. got home last night and the house was cleaner than it has been in a while!!! i could see the floor in the living room and the pile of laundry had been put away. hooray!

nothing else really going on with me. waiting for dinner to get here. missing my son. counting down the hours until i go home.

T-minus 45 minutes and counting

2007-07-15T22:08:00.000-05:00

rob and i have started our marriage counseling. nothing wrong, we just felt that if we didn't start then our marriage would fall apart. so we are making a pre-emptive strike to put it mildly. so, now we have an arrangement of sorts to help things out. i want a cleaner house... rob wants more sex, so to compromise... we set aside 2 days a week in order to be intimate with each other and he will start helping me clean the house. so far i have kept up with my part... 2 hours of mind-blowing intimacy last night... lets see if my house is any cleaner when i get home in an hour.

other than that, things are great. rob is no longer working for directv... they let him go friday, and he already has a new job. selling vacume cleaners door to door. not the most glamorous job, but it will pay the bills and keep our son in diapers and feed us all.

i am nearly done with my art class. finally got my grade back from my first paper... 110%. the instructor said that it was such a well written paper that she was "forced" to give me an extra 10 points. yeah for me!!! just turned in my art critique paper. will have to wait and see if it lives up to the same expectations...

thomas is doing well... been a little fussy lately and doesn't want to eat a lot. think it may have something to do with the formula. he had his first fever wednesday night but by thursday morning, it was gone... am happy about that.

really nothing going on with me. time to clean up the office so that i can go home when the clock reads 2300, which is now 45 minutes away...

tchuss!

Yeesh!

2007-07-09T05:20:00.001-05:00

still waiting for my phone to get here... blah... i miss my pink cell phone... it was nifty! this tracfone i am using has no personality... i know, i know... cell phones + personality = doesn't make sense michelle. my brain has not booted up yet this morning. please bear with me as i adjust.

finally went and saw shrek the third yesterday. it was cute & i enjoyed it. i think it was more serious for me than it was meant to be, just because i have recently gone through the whole 'how am i gonna be a parent' schpeal that shrek was experiencing. but all in all, it defn lived up to the hype of the first two. plan on going to see harry potter 5 on friday after the family dinner.

rob has a bday this week. he is gonna be 27. that also means that it has been a year since thomas was conceived... tmi, i know, but whatev... am making lasagne for a family dinner and the chunk of chocolate called a cake i made him last year... this cake takes a while to prep and cook, cause dumby me wants to bake the whole darned thing from scratch. yippee for me. am also making the lasagne from sratch too...

am trying to re-evaluate some things in my life. have decided that i don't really want to be drinking anymore, but i dont know if i can just quit. i haven't really drunk in about a year, but i am still having to fight myself on it a few times since my son was born. this is one of those vices that i have to give up. that and my cheesy romance novels... i love them, but they aren't appropriate. i really dont need my son finding them one day when he's six and asking me "mommy, whats a hot tight pussy?" i think i would die right there and then!

i really have to pray that God will give me relief from these things. i don't want to depend on them anymore. i used to read real novels that actually stimulate the intellectual part of my mind, but i haven't done that in years. am trying to get back into it. maybe not any biographies or anything, but a good thriller novel instead of a romance. anyone have any suggestions???

thats really about it... have serious heart burn from the movie popcorn last night... i need to quit eating that... but its soooooo f-ing good!

love peace and chicken grease!

phone issues...

2007-07-04T14:38:00.000-05:00

so.. i went to take thomas swimming this afternoon (before it started raining) and stuck my phone in my top. i thought nothing of it until 20 minutes into our swim, thomas is pulling at my top, and i see this flash of hot pink.... mother effer... my phone is dead. i am on standby today, so had to run all over town to try and get another phone... cingular only does it through mail. so i go to wal-mart and buy myself a tracfone for like 15 bucks. i am so not paying for a new cingular... thats why i am insured for the dang thing! now i am at work and waiting for my tracfone to register. aargh!

i wanna go home... there is all sorts of 4th of july goodies at mama's house and i have to wait to get any of it.... wait for me watermelon!